GOD, PLEASE HELP ME FOR CHANGE FOR A BETTER LIFE

Dear God, Dear my beloved Journal.

I know this is my first time to write this since I don't have any diary.

To be honest, I don't know where to start to write this... But, all I can say is, I have a mental disease. The "disease" that I mean, is depression. This disease is not actually like a feeling anymore, but its already built deep inside my body. Since I had this mental disease, my life is absolutely change. I'm lost and all I can do is actually scream inside myself and shouting for help. I'm lost because no one, even my family is actually felt this kind of disease. My family thinks that I'm okay from the outside, but in the inside, I'm actually FUCKING hurt. But by telling that I'm actually had this kind of shit, my family might be think that I'm crazy and they will throw me out, in another words, not accepting me. 

I just want to be normal like anybody else. By feeling this way, I feel like I've been pushed away. And then what happens if I'm actually tell them well, I'm the homosexual? Depression? Wanting to die? They're gonna so mad not just because they had an attention to me, they will threat me like shit. They will take me to psychiatrist, and they will force me to consume drugs and I don't want that. Especially my father since I'm not that close to him. Since nobody in my family knows, to be honest I actualy don't like him. I really remembered about what he said to me and it was really rude. He said with anger "You are so SENSITIVE! I don't like you! Why can I have son like you? Where did you come from? You're not normal. If you're still like this, you should go out and go alone! Without any money!" I totally remember about what he said last year.

AND YES, I HAD THIS ABNORMALITY THING THAT I CAN REMEMBER ABOUT THE BAD MEMORIES FROM THE PAST. And it kills me a lot. 

And then skip to my campus life. To be honest its not that great. I was hoping that I will find my "partner in crime" aka bestfriend who is actually will listen to me. And talk to me. Hearing my voice. Hearing when I screaming for help. But it is hard. All I can find is only a friend who just help with the work. Not like buddies or whatever! And I hate that!

Feels like I totally hate myself right now. I'm a fucking coward who easily scared. Cannot face the reality or what the fuck is! I cannot do anything better! Even to my lecturer. They don't hate me, its just they didn't like me that much. I'm not actually close to every single one of them, even my academic advisor. She probably thinks that I'm sucks on everything and cannot do anything right. I totally remember that she actually yelled at me for six times. She might be not remembered, but I am. It still right inside my brain and it won't get out.

God, did I do anything wrong? Am I a coward? Can I do better? Will I still better in this world? Will I still better to the people who close to me? Am I can make them proud? Or they don't need me? It will be better if I take my own life? WILL YOU PUT IN THE BOTTOM OF HELL? AFTER I DIE, WILL YOU TORTURE ME WITH FIRE? WILL TORTURE ME BY STABBING A KNIFE TO ME FOR ETERNITY? Because to be honest, I'd rather to tortured in hell with You, rather than I have to face this shit that don't want to accept me any longer.