God is moving in big ways
It's been a few weeks since I last posted or visited this site, mainly because I needed some time alone with the Lord to start processing what's going on in my head. And it has been good. Indescribably good. Granted, I've cried quite a bit, but mostly because this process is difficult.
I started to remember specific details about the abuse-- where I was, the feelings of oppression and fear that held me captive in that moment along with the man I can't yet remember. I've come to terms with the fact that speaking about the specifics with my mom is the next step I need to take, so I might be able to name the place where the abuse occurred and perhaps one day put a name and face to the abuser. I am not ready for that yet, but all in God's timing-- I don't have to be. One step at a time.
I can tell there is a difference in me. The old habits of pornography and masturbation that I clung to for so long no longer appeal to me. Sexuality is becoming a mystery to me again-- praise God! He really is making my heart new again, and it is beautiful. Now that I understand the source of my pain and feelings of despair is this memory of abuse, I don't feel inclined to those habits anymore. It is SO GOOD. I have been trapped in that sexual sin for over 3 years, not knowing when I would ever see the light of day, and here I am, feeling real freedom now that I understand the source a little better. I am not saying that I will live untouched by that sin or darkness again, but there is a real freedom in knowing why you do something. And now that I know I was acting out of pain and lack of understanding, I don't feel the impulse :) Ahh! It still blows my mind!
I know I am still at the beginning of the journey, and there are many fears left to conquer, many hurdles left to jump, many tears left to cry. But I don't have to do it alone-- I have my counselor, my family and friends, and this community. It is good to not be alone. It is good to be loved by such a merciful, faithful God.
If you ever want to talk about anything I've written about-- the abuse, the addiction, or the power of my God, I will be glad to talk with you :)
I started to remember specific details about the abuse-- where I was, the feelings of oppression and fear that held me captive in that moment along with the man I can't yet remember. I've come to terms with the fact that speaking about the specifics with my mom is the next step I need to take, so I might be able to name the place where the abuse occurred and perhaps one day put a name and face to the abuser. I am not ready for that yet, but all in God's timing-- I don't have to be. One step at a time.
I can tell there is a difference in me. The old habits of pornography and masturbation that I clung to for so long no longer appeal to me. Sexuality is becoming a mystery to me again-- praise God! He really is making my heart new again, and it is beautiful. Now that I understand the source of my pain and feelings of despair is this memory of abuse, I don't feel inclined to those habits anymore. It is SO GOOD. I have been trapped in that sexual sin for over 3 years, not knowing when I would ever see the light of day, and here I am, feeling real freedom now that I understand the source a little better. I am not saying that I will live untouched by that sin or darkness again, but there is a real freedom in knowing why you do something. And now that I know I was acting out of pain and lack of understanding, I don't feel the impulse :) Ahh! It still blows my mind!
I know I am still at the beginning of the journey, and there are many fears left to conquer, many hurdles left to jump, many tears left to cry. But I don't have to do it alone-- I have my counselor, my family and friends, and this community. It is good to not be alone. It is good to be loved by such a merciful, faithful God.
If you ever want to talk about anything I've written about-- the abuse, the addiction, or the power of my God, I will be glad to talk with you :)
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