God forgive me.... But. .....

I know it's basically " wrong " of me, but lately I can't seem to help it. 

I can't seem to shake this dark and persistent feeling that I wish I had left this Life when my Mom did. 

I know deep in my heart, and in my soul, that she would not have wanted it that way. But ever since her time on earth ended, my Life has pretty much been " OVER " ! 

I say it so dramatically because Mom was a part of me that I could never deny, and when she passed away it felt like someone ripped a huge piece of my heart and soul right out of me ! 

I haven't been the same since that day, and I know it. I can't deny it for even a moment. 

Yes, of course I've cried lots and lot of tears, but the act of crying has not helped me to shake the feeling that a dark cloud of misery and gloom has been permanently placed over me - never to move away from me ever again ! 

I would say that... " Maybe one day soon the sun will shine for me again, but I simply don't see that ever happening. "

Without my Mom, there is no Sun. Without her there is no real laughter. Without her there is no Joy. Without her there is no real happiness. 

She was my true confidant; even though many times I withheld things that I shouldn't have from her. 

I wish to GOD that I hadn't done that ! 

I should have taken advantage of every single moment of my time with her, when she was alive. 

If only I had truly realized how precious every second I spent with her was, when I still had her here in my life ! 

Now it's too late ! 

It's too late for regrets ! 

It's too late for " what ifs " ! 

It's too late for looking back.

So now what ?

I wish to GOD that I knew.

I have NO direction.

I have NO clue which way to turn.

I feel like a piece of driftwood cast upon the tumultuous seas..... 

Lost... drifiting among the waves, among the lightening, and the storms pouring down. 

Countless miles still to go till the nearest lighthouse .... that may help light my way.

For now the only break in the darkness is the occassional flash of the storms' lightning..... 

but that only lasts for a few moments at a time.

I am at LOST... 

Drifting .... 

At the mercy of the seas of this cold, cruel world. 

I live because my body breathes.... 

but that's the only reason.

Beyond that... 

I have no desire for this existence. 

No desire for this LIFE.