gloomy and depressing day
Today was HARD AS SHIT.
The depressing, cold, rainy, overcast weather makes things so much worse for me. Woke up in a depressed lazy mood. Did not want to get out of bed, but when I got up I couldn't go back to sleep. Fuck. I hate my sleep schedule. Waking up constantly. Sweating constantly. Changing clothes and sheets constantly. It sucks.
Felt a little better once I started moving outside, but I knew I could not go back home because I knew something would happen. Walked two dogs, picked up an extra 2 walks tomorrow so I had to get the key for that, then did some errands.
I made a mistake. I bought razor blades. BUT....I did not use them. I wanted to. And I still want to. But I am not letting myself.
These are the kinds of days where I just want to disappear and run away.
Unfortunately because I did not work today, that meant that I had to go to Chris' (carlos mom's husband) birthday dinner/party/shit. I did NOT want to go. Got dressed in some clothes that probably made me look like a million pounds and went over. Got RIDICULOUSLY HIGH anxiety when the pulled out the whole mother fucking pork roast. I wanted to vomit. Then so many people and so much food in such a small house. I wanted to get the hell out of there.
Got a big glass of red wine which calmed me down a little.
Praying for a better day tomorrow. And maybe some sun.
The depressing, cold, rainy, overcast weather makes things so much worse for me. Woke up in a depressed lazy mood. Did not want to get out of bed, but when I got up I couldn't go back to sleep. Fuck. I hate my sleep schedule. Waking up constantly. Sweating constantly. Changing clothes and sheets constantly. It sucks.
Felt a little better once I started moving outside, but I knew I could not go back home because I knew something would happen. Walked two dogs, picked up an extra 2 walks tomorrow so I had to get the key for that, then did some errands.
I made a mistake. I bought razor blades. BUT....I did not use them. I wanted to. And I still want to. But I am not letting myself.
These are the kinds of days where I just want to disappear and run away.
Unfortunately because I did not work today, that meant that I had to go to Chris' (carlos mom's husband) birthday dinner/party/shit. I did NOT want to go. Got dressed in some clothes that probably made me look like a million pounds and went over. Got RIDICULOUSLY HIGH anxiety when the pulled out the whole mother fucking pork roast. I wanted to vomit. Then so many people and so much food in such a small house. I wanted to get the hell out of there.
Got a big glass of red wine which calmed me down a little.
Praying for a better day tomorrow. And maybe some sun.
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