Giving up

First off, so I don't forget, let me say that I was weighed the other day and forgot to mention it in yesterday's journal entry. I am 190, so at least my weight isn't fluctuating any more, but its also not going down.
 
With my car dying, I am having to make a painful choice.
I can fix my car and risk something else breaking. Even if nothing else breaks my surgery looks unlikely.
I can get a used car and risk something breaking down in that car, or having to do costly maintenance. Either way if I do that I will not be able to get my surgery.
I can get a new car and totally piss away my surgery, because if I want any hope of surviving as a student I need to get rid of the car loan as soon as possible That means using the money I have saved up to pay off the car quickly.
 
I am choosing option number 3.
Goodbye surgery. If I am lucky I will be able to get my surgery after I am done with school - and I intend on going for a doctorate so that is a very long time away.
I feel like crying, but I can't.
I don't want to die.... yet. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I've never truly been suicidal except when it was caused by drugs. I never thought I would be except under very few circumstances. This is one of them.
I never thought buying a new car would be so completely sad and depressing...
I keep shifting back and forth between sadness and anger
Fuck me sideways with a spiky two by four and a bag of broken lightbulbs.
There are no further words.