Giving up
First off, so I don't forget, let me say that I was weighed the other day and forgot to mention it in yesterday's journal entry. I am 190, so at least my weight isn't fluctuating any more, but its also not going down.
With my car dying, I am having to make a painful choice.
I can fix my car and risk something else breaking. Even if nothing else breaks my surgery looks unlikely.
I can get a used car and risk something breaking down in that car, or having to do costly maintenance. Either way if I do that I will not be able to get my surgery.
I can get a new car and totally piss away my surgery, because if I want any hope of surviving as a student I need to get rid of the car loan as soon as possible That means using the money I have saved up to pay off the car quickly.
I am choosing option number 3.
Goodbye surgery. If I am lucky I will be able to get my surgery after I am done with school - and I intend on going for a doctorate so that is a very long time away.
I feel like crying, but I can't.
I don't want to die.... yet. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I've never truly been suicidal except when it was caused by drugs. I never thought I would be except under very few circumstances. This is one of them.
I never thought buying a new car would be so completely sad and depressing...
I keep shifting back and forth between sadness and anger
Fuck me sideways with a spiky two by four and a bag of broken lightbulbs.
There are no further words.
With my car dying, I am having to make a painful choice.
I can fix my car and risk something else breaking. Even if nothing else breaks my surgery looks unlikely.
I can get a used car and risk something breaking down in that car, or having to do costly maintenance. Either way if I do that I will not be able to get my surgery.
I can get a new car and totally piss away my surgery, because if I want any hope of surviving as a student I need to get rid of the car loan as soon as possible That means using the money I have saved up to pay off the car quickly.
I am choosing option number 3.
Goodbye surgery. If I am lucky I will be able to get my surgery after I am done with school - and I intend on going for a doctorate so that is a very long time away.
I feel like crying, but I can't.
I don't want to die.... yet. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I've never truly been suicidal except when it was caused by drugs. I never thought I would be except under very few circumstances. This is one of them.
I never thought buying a new car would be so completely sad and depressing...
I keep shifting back and forth between sadness and anger
Fuck me sideways with a spiky two by four and a bag of broken lightbulbs.
There are no further words.
Replies
It is the stress of all of it that is causing such overwhelming anxiety and sadness. We need \'balance\' in our lives to function well and when our lives are out of balance we have distress.
Once you have a reliable car you can depend on, over time you will adjust to it and perhaps will even begin to see it as an advantage.
Whenever our planned goals are delayed there will be stress but your delayed surgery is being delayed for some VERY WORTHY CAUSES. School along with having the reliable transportation to get you around are critical to your success in life and cannot be delayed without great sacrifice. The cost of school is on the increase and our economy is in the toilet making for a very uncertain future. Having the reliable transportation to achieve your academic goals is just so critical right now and once you are well into achieving that goal you may find many other doors of opportunity open to you that you never could anticipate.
I think you have some very pleasant experiences ahead of you as you pursue these goals and having the reliable transportation to get you there is absolutely critical.
Just be in the moment with the stress and related anxiety and relax your way through it. Once you have the ability to \'self sooth\' you will cope with all of this so much better. It takes time and practice but is so well worth it to your overall health.
Gentle ((hugs))
:-) Patricia
There has been a problem with DS and the postings repeatedly post three times or so. I don\'t have a clue as to what the issues with DS are but I am hoping this post only gets posted the one time.
Here goes!!!
Four times?!!!! YIKES!!! What is going on with DS?
I deleted all cookies and such for DS from my computer - I wonder if that is related in some way? I don\'t have a clue!!!
Hun You are one of the strongest people I\'ve ever met, I respect you more and more the more I know you and I will always look up to you. I know you will make everything work and I\'ll be right here if you ever need a friend, Your always here for me. Thank you and You are awesome You will make it. *hugs