Giving rhyme and reason

Sometimes I feel so on top of things.

like dutifully standing by for the male monastics here at the monastery in Pennsylvania, waiting for things that need to be done. I feel on top of myself which is I mean to say I feel like I am under control and all set to go. Got my duties covered. However I feel so on top of things that I don't seem to be able to conceive of my next step. Weird as that sounds quite often I get frozen in the 'all ready ' mode like this. It takes a change in perspective sometimes like I am learning all over again as to how to be self directing. I wonder if I have adhd.

When I was younger I didn't seem to be able to make a move forward unless I thought about someone else like a role model or had a song in mind. 

I've fought that reality because in candor it made me feel trapped and unoriginal and defective, weak and not my own experience.

but all that aside I sense peace inside now about it. It's now like I just have to think about the 'female spirit' or the 'muse' and it seems to give me a sense of 'the reasonable' and positive about what I choose to do. 

Right now there's not much going on here in Pennsylvania as they're all asleep.

They stayed up all night long.