Girlfriend

I don't know what it's like to have a girlfriend. What's it like to sit across from someone in a restaurant— someone you think is cute, and who thinks you're cute— as something you're used to doing? What's it like to consider yourself as part of a couple? To technically and officially have a girlfriend?What it's like to know that a cute girl thinks you're cute and wants to be with you? To be able to kiss her whenever you want (in principle)? What's it like to know what so many other people have experienced? To not feel isolated in this part of life?What's it like to have the feeling of comfort that you're in a relationship? What's it like to get past the barrier of looking from the outside in?The facts: I've kissed four girls in my life. (I tried kissing two others but got pushed away or turned away from.) There's another girl who was disappointed when I told her I didn't want to date her.I've been called "handsome." "Cute." Even "hot."Girls have clicked on my profile and even E-mailed me through a certain dating Web site.So, what is it?Why can't I psychologically feel like I'm desirable to cute girls?Why is it that, at least these days, I think a girl who isn't cute might be attracted to me, while the more attractive she is, the more I see myself as nerdy and/or stiff and/or unattractive— not desirable— in her eyes? Like there's an inverse correlation between her looks and my ability to attract her.Is it in part because I had an enormous crush on a girl from about 4th grade through 8th grade and was always too scared to tell her how I felt— let alone talk her? Is it in part because I had a crush on another girl in 11th and 12th grades, and when I finally gathered up my courage and asked her to the prom, she said no? (A mutual friend later told me this girl was gay. But that doesn't change my feelings about the unrequited crush.)Is it in part because I never had the status of having a girlfriend in junior high school, high school, college, or even graduate school, for that matter?Is it in part because the one girl who I loved as something more than a friend, and who felt love for me, too, didn't want me to kiss her? Is it in part because physical contact with a girl is so meaningful to me and I want to share my body only with a girl with whom I have a real, deeper emotional connection?Is it in part because I have a tendency to strive for perfection? (I purposely don't use the word "perfectionist." I find labels can inhibit understanding of a person.) In part because I've rarely "dated" in the conventional sense? Can't relate when people talk about all their bad first dates?In part because girls on the street don't generally follow me with their gazes?Is it in part because I waited for so long to meet a girl "naturally"— or, perhaps more accurately, for things to just happen on their own... and they didn't? At least they didn't as I had hoped.I wish a girl who I think is cute would just kiss me. Look into my eyes with a stimulating gaze and kiss me. Take the chance.I wish for once, a girl would make a move on me. More than that, though... much more importantly than that... I wish a girl and I would form a deeper relationship, a romantic relationship, naturally. Just in being ourselves— not having to force anything.I've had a taste of this. With one person. Someone who, in the end, would never be more than a friend.I wonder if what I hope for will ever happen with a girl who will become my romantic partner, and eventually my wife.