Getting Worse

Everyone is right.... this is escalating and my "rules" are going out the window.  Last night my daughter spent the night with my parents.  I planned (a calculated) a meal at a restaurant that serves gluten free food.  I did really good with only eating the portion that I accounted for.  I left feeling satified stomach wise, but disappointed that the food was not "to die for".  I felt I would have been happier eating my oatmeal at home and saved me 200 calories.  Anyway, on the way home, I started thinking about the foods that I wouldn't eat that would taste really good or that I had not had in forever.  I went to three different places and went home and chewed and spit it all out.  It tasted sooo good.  I allowed myself to actually eat and swallow some ice cream but ate too much and had a belly ache.  It didn't stop me from continueing to c/s since that doens't go to my stomach.  I even left the house at 1:00am and went to Taco Bell to c/s burrito and Mexican pizza- it also didn't taste that great.  These are foods that I would NEVER swallow as they are too unhealthy.  I actually had "fun" tasting some of the foods.  I know this behavior is sooo unhealthy for me.  I know my biggest problem is not having anyone to talk to about this.  I have had to do so many things on my own that I shouldn't be surprised that I will have to try to beat this ED alone.  I ran into a friend of mine, well my only friend and I asked him how I looked.  He stated good but getting too skinny.  When I told him that I weighted 99.2 lbs he told me that I needed to stop losing.  I told him that I was going to try to add a few pounds.  That was all that was said.  I went to get my haircut and my hairdresser who has not seen me in 6 months, literally gasped at how thin I am.  But she stated that I looked really good and that my hair was a little dry but otherwise still very healthy- only reiterated that I am not hurting myself.  Later that afternoon, I dropped my daughter off at my mom's and she said nothing about how I look.  Granted, she sees me everyday.  Why does't anyone confront me?  Why do I want them too?  I'm know part of me wishes that someone would care enough to say something to me, but this is really not why I do it.  I don't want attention.  I am alone and this is the pleasure that I get out of life, eating.  I am too strict to allow myself to eat it as I would get fat.  This is the best of both worlds- of course it's not.  I just don't know what to do.  I want to stop but I don't.  I enjoy tastiing the food without consuming the calories.  I feel like a freak and sometimes I think that I look like one too.   Anyway, postive note... I did skip my workout today, no cardio, no weights, nothing.  I will reduce food intake to about 1050 calories today but I am proud that I didn't exercise.  Part of me knows how good it will feel tomorrow and my body will be so well rested that I will tear the weights and cardio up tomorrow.  I did spend a good deal of time setting goals to reduce the calories burned in order to try to gain a few pounds.  My goal is to get up to 105 and see how I feel/ look then.  Maybe I can eventually get to 110 but I am just afaid of over shooting or falling out of my routine and losing sight of everything.  I am sure going to give it a good try... all by myself- that's ok though, because that is all I need.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Ok, did you read the C/S post that was re-posted? I believe LPM (lapetitemoi) originally posted it anHarsh reality really, but worth watching. Honey, people are noticing. They just aren\'t calling you out on it, and yes, perhaps they should. But you know I am going to tell you your child is the one that is noticing and doesn\'t have a voice. It\'s great that you want to gain. Perhaps instead of C/S you could add those calories into your meal plan... so much better and you can enough in and enjoy it... know what I mean?
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think people are afraid to \"confront\" you...they don\'t want to upset you, they don\'t want to lose you..they may feel that if they bring it up you will get mad and cut them off.
I wanted to ask if you had seen the C/S post it is dangerous and I have had issues with C/S myself so I understand...
I\'m glad you skipped your workout...
Are you seeing a therapist? A Doctor anyone?
Do you let your daughter eat normally or do you restrict her food as well...you are setting her up to have an ED as well whether you realize it or not...Your behavior around food she sees one way or another, I saw my mother not eat, I saw her behaviors around food, I saw how she felt about her body..your obsessive behaviors your daughter WILL see. You want people to call you out I\'m doing it right here...you are TOO THIN, you are hurting yourself and your daughter.
I am SO glad that you are trying and that you are doing well so far, skipping some of your workout etc...now please get more calories and work on the C/S.