Everyone is right.... this is escalating and my "rules" are going out the window. Last night my daughter spent the night with my parents. I planned (a calculated) a meal at a restaurant that serves gluten free food. I did really good with only eating the portion that I accounted for. I left feeling satified stomach wise, but disappointed that the food was not "to die for". I felt I would have been happier eating my oatmeal at home and saved me 200 calories. Anyway, on the way home, I started thinking about the foods that I wouldn't eat that would taste really good or that I had not had in forever. I went to three different places and went home and chewed and spit it all out. It tasted sooo good. I allowed myself to actually eat and swallow some ice cream but ate too much and had a belly ache. It didn't stop me from continueing to c/s since that doens't go to my stomach. I even left the house at 1:00am and went to Taco Bell to c/s burrito and Mexican pizza- it also didn't taste that great. These are foods that I would NEVER swallow as they are too unhealthy. I actually had "fun" tasting some of the foods. I know this behavior is sooo unhealthy for me. I know my biggest problem is not having anyone to talk to about this. I have had to do so many things on my own that I shouldn't be surprised that I will have to try to beat this ED alone. I ran into a friend of mine, well my only friend and I asked him how I looked. He stated good but getting too skinny. When I told him that I weighted 99.2 lbs he told me that I needed to stop losing. I told him that I was going to try to add a few pounds. That was all that was said. I went to get my haircut and my hairdresser who has not seen me in 6 months, literally gasped at how thin I am. But she stated that I looked really good and that my hair was a little dry but otherwise still very healthy- only reiterated that I am not hurting myself. Later that afternoon, I dropped my daughter off at my mom's and she said nothing about how I look. Granted, she sees me everyday. Why does't anyone confront me? Why do I want them too? I'm know part of me wishes that someone would care enough to say something to me, but this is really not why I do it. I don't want attention. I am alone and this is the pleasure that I get out of life, eating. I am too strict to allow myself to eat it as I would get fat. This is the best of both worlds- of course it's not. I just don't know what to do. I want to stop but I don't. I enjoy tastiing the food without consuming the calories. I feel like a freak and sometimes I think that I look like one too. Anyway, postive note... I did skip my workout today, no cardio, no weights, nothing. I will reduce food intake to about 1050 calories today but I am proud that I didn't exercise. Part of me knows how good it will feel tomorrow and my body will be so well rested that I will tear the weights and cardio up tomorrow. I did spend a good deal of time setting goals to reduce the calories burned in order to try to gain a few pounds. My goal is to get up to 105 and see how I feel/ look then. Maybe I can eventually get to 110 but I am just afaid of over shooting or falling out of my routine and losing sight of everything. I am sure going to give it a good try... all by myself- that's ok though, because that is all I need.