Getting Worse

Everyone is right.... this is escalating and my "rules" are going out the window.  Last night my daughter spent the night with my parents.  I planned (a calculated) a meal at a restaurant that serves gluten free food.  I did really good with only eating the portion that I accounted for.  I left feeling satified stomach wise, but disappointed that the food was not "to die for".  I felt I would have been happier eating my oatmeal at home and saved me 200 calories.  Anyway, on the way home, I started thinking about the foods that I wouldn't eat that would taste really good or that I had not had in forever.  I went to three different places and went home and chewed and spit it all out.  It tasted sooo good.  I allowed myself to actually eat and swallow some ice cream but ate too much and had a belly ache.  It didn't stop me from continueing to c/s since that doens't go to my stomach.  I even left the house at 1:00am and went to Taco Bell to c/s burrito and Mexican pizza- it also didn't taste that great.  These are foods that I would NEVER swallow as they are too unhealthy.  I actually had "fun" tasting some of the foods.  I know this behavior is sooo unhealthy for me.  I know my biggest problem is not having anyone to talk to about this.  I have had to do so many things on my own that I shouldn't be surprised that I will have to try to beat this ED alone.  I ran into a friend of mine, well my only friend and I asked him how I looked.  He stated good but getting too skinny.  When I told him that I weighted 99.2 lbs he told me that I needed to stop losing.  I told him that I was going to try to add a few pounds.  That was all that was said.  I went to get my haircut and my hairdresser who has not seen me in 6 months, literally gasped at how thin I am.  But she stated that I looked really good and that my hair was a little dry but otherwise still very healthy- only reiterated that I am not hurting myself.  Later that afternoon, I dropped my daughter off at my mom's and she said nothing about how I look.  Granted, she sees me everyday.  Why does't anyone confront me?  Why do I want them too?  I'm know part of me wishes that someone would care enough to say something to me, but this is really not why I do it.  I don't want attention.  I am alone and this is the pleasure that I get out of life, eating.  I am too strict to allow myself to eat it as I would get fat.  This is the best of both worlds- of course it's not.  I just don't know what to do.  I want to stop but I don't.  I enjoy tastiing the food without consuming the calories.  I feel like a freak and sometimes I think that I look like one too.   Anyway, postive note... I did skip my workout today, no cardio, no weights, nothing.  I will reduce food intake to about 1050 calories today but I am proud that I didn't exercise.  Part of me knows how good it will feel tomorrow and my body will be so well rested that I will tear the weights and cardio up tomorrow.  I did spend a good deal of time setting goals to reduce the calories burned in order to try to gain a few pounds.  My goal is to get up to 105 and see how I feel/ look then.  Maybe I can eventually get to 110 but I am just afaid of over shooting or falling out of my routine and losing sight of everything.  I am sure going to give it a good try... all by myself- that's ok though, because that is all I need.