getting up the nerve

I have tried to be both self responsible and reasonable in my life.... Especially since healing...

I have tried to recapture my sense of peace and not the chaos and rebuild.

I worked today and it went well but I was fighting with some ideas

as I worked. I was thinking about,in part, how I need to make some changes.

What inspired this?

I was seeing myself at moments of argument with my brother and seeing

the truth of my life - not in a kind light,  through his eyes, as in 'self judgement' but I also gave it the flipside

inspection and tried to see the good ( as my doctor suggested)

about myself and my perseverance to keep on keeping on.

Just additionally (and tangentially) I was also thinking in terms of how we each - through our personal view and ability to see

certain sides of life - we each fill a gap on the spectrum of reality and perception that presents itself to everyone - making

our each perspective a puzzle piece of the whole.

I was working away and while doing it, I was questioning myself...was I ok ?

- do I have any power within me to guide my life

through to something more valuable? (a loaded term)

 - I was really at a point of hitting rock bottom in terms of my own interpretation

of my potential and my self esteem. I seemed to see all the faults and not much else -

no value...Again, at that point, I thought to admire the perseverance

and yet also saw the need to change. ( because I wasn't satisfied with what I saw either)

((and also I want to say at this pause that I am super reminded by all my friends here that I have value...!!

time and again you have helped me see and feel that, so thank you!! Unfortunately just there are moments here

on my own where life works away at my self perception.))

Getting back to what I was writing....I tried to lift my sights beyond the waterline of my status in life in order to try to assert myself so that I would 

make a move or bold first step that would be at least self determining - all things/aspects considered-

with my personal business life - and personal life too.

I felt the fact that I was keeping at fighting to do good work and do my job well,  to survive , was also a sign for me

and for anyone in the process of surviving, that it could be held in admiration for holding down their part of their fort - no matter

how humble.

I felt the specter of some family members objecting to my assertions - with the crushing and powering over 'that's not

appropriate' for nearly anything I did (but they're not here right now)....(I wondered why it felt it was like they were…)

and so finally I concluded that I just had to have the nerve to look beyond

my comfort zone and theirs eh? (the comfort zone is a zone I very often talk myself into in the pursuit of being

reasonable and come from a place of peace......asserting myself beyond that point I am 

finding is the point of contention - the point of ruffling consideration of others’ feathers

who seemed to want the final say even though they’re not there. )

- I hadn't seemed to be making headway in my ability to commit new business horizons 

and also seemed to lose myself falling back into the passive- tranquil bliss of peace in life as

I worked along at the market today... At times it also happens here while at home.

I thought and noticed how each of us has to have a nerve about asserting

ourselves in life and committing ourselves to a goal (damn the torpedoes...full steam ahead!) There will always be discomfort

when trying something new - like living at the monastery and working there (just an example) -

even when I was new at this market job - I was intensely lost and uncomfortable until

I became habituated to it.

I have kind of lived in my own fantasy about my work at the market... It has been

a godsend and a place for doing good work and helping the public which is a therapy in and of itself.

The ‘crossroad of asserting myself’ beyond the sincerity of peace and safe haven

I like to make for the customers and my coworkers is difficult. It's who I am

but I also need to understand - though it is something I stand for - it also

is an element of professionalism. Wherever I go, I will have that aspect of

my professionalism and humanity that I will be offering. So perhaps I'm just

in need of reframing my perspective? I'm still here and will always be!

So, now I am home - and I'll take this lesson to heart and think

about my goals for today. Is my issue that I have been valuing others’ opinions too much and am wanting to make them proud? Is it natural ambition inspired a wrinkling challenging moment? and what value would be enough?