Getting through the day
I was actually having an okay day today and just now it hit me again! She is really gone!!My sweet baby. I miss her so badly. I am sitting here at work trying not to scream. I miss everything about her. Her fierce attitude, her sweetness she only showed on rare occasions :) her voice, her big brown eyes and curly hair and even her complaining about everything I did.
I just do not know how I am going to get through this. It feels like it has been an eternity and its only been 8 weeks and 2 days since the accident. I find my mind going back to the weeks before, she was so quiet and distant. Even to her close friends, seems the closer she got to these new group of friends the more she pulled away. I have since then found out these boys were in a gang! Carried guns! My Marissa is from a good family, she knew right from wrong. We live in the country she was not exposed to that type of lifestyle! Why didnt I do more research on these boys! I asked her a million questions about them. I thought she was telling me everything. Why did she have to get in that car with them, why were they driving so fast on a city street. The cops said they were all highly intoxicated. I havent even called the police station to get a copy of the report or to see if they found her purse or cell phone. I do not think I want to see it actually. If they even found, it was a really bad accident, 2 died 1 has severe brain damage and is a "baby" and the other basically walked away with some stitches! He is in jail for a very long time but he was sitting right next to my daughter how in gods name did that happen! Why couldnt she have gotten in the car on that side and been given a 2nd chance. She wasnt a criminal!! I am so angry.
I just do not know how I am going to get through this. It feels like it has been an eternity and its only been 8 weeks and 2 days since the accident. I find my mind going back to the weeks before, she was so quiet and distant. Even to her close friends, seems the closer she got to these new group of friends the more she pulled away. I have since then found out these boys were in a gang! Carried guns! My Marissa is from a good family, she knew right from wrong. We live in the country she was not exposed to that type of lifestyle! Why didnt I do more research on these boys! I asked her a million questions about them. I thought she was telling me everything. Why did she have to get in that car with them, why were they driving so fast on a city street. The cops said they were all highly intoxicated. I havent even called the police station to get a copy of the report or to see if they found her purse or cell phone. I do not think I want to see it actually. If they even found, it was a really bad accident, 2 died 1 has severe brain damage and is a "baby" and the other basically walked away with some stitches! He is in jail for a very long time but he was sitting right next to my daughter how in gods name did that happen! Why couldnt she have gotten in the car on that side and been given a 2nd chance. She wasnt a criminal!! I am so angry.
Replies
Oh my dear. I wish I could tell you why. It is so incredibly painful. We get through one breath at a time. Your wounds are so raw. I wish I could make them better. You have endured the most devastating of losses.
All i can say is feel the feelings. Yell and scream and do what you need to do.
As for her not leveling with you, that is teen behaviour. They are very good at stringing parents along. If we knew then what we know now. Just know you did the best you could with what you knew then.
Love to you and Marissa.
The tightest of hugs,
Marlene
I think that as parents, we will always look back and wish there was more we could have done to change the outcome. I still do the \"should\'ve, could\'ve, would\'ve\" to this day although not as much as I did early on.
Guilt was like a heavy blanket on my back the first couple of years, until I finally came to realize with resource support and therapy that there was actually nothing I could have done at that time and based on the circumstances to prevent my son from dying.
Oh dear friend, we will always hurt from our child\'s loss, but the pain does become less raw and the missing more bearable. For me, the intense anger at just about everything also eventually softened and diminished with time.
Sending you a tight hug and thoughts of comfort, peace and healing.
Diane
I agree with Dianne, we will always hurt from our child\'s loss, and ask ourselves those questions that we think may have changed the outcome. But we did the best we could with what we had, what we knew. Our kids wouldn\'t want us beating ourselves up. I will always think it is unfair. Love to you. Sue xo
{{{HUGS}}}
Your loss is so recent...your pain so raw. It is a roller coaster ride for quite a while new friend. I can remember crying all the way to work, in the bathroom and the minute I got in the car. It is a hard, hard road...but somehow we make it.
It is impossible to ever make sense of what has happened...even though you will try over and over again. Bad things happen...and it happened to our children and US.
Just keep trying each day...and in time you figure out how to live this life and even find joy again. I know that seems impossible now...but it does come. You ache for your child forever, but you learn to incorporate the loss into life. For now...just keep putting one foot in front of the other...Love and gentle hugs...Karen
I can relate to your anger. I\'m so angry at the person who sold my son fentanyl. What A-hole sells drugs that are almost always fatal. I just don\'t get why my sweet son was sold bad drugs. He wasn\'t a bad kid. He was in college had 2 jobs. He did self medicate on occasion, but would never have done a drug like that. The anger that I feel may be similar to yours. I\'m so sad that we all have to go through the pain and anger of losing our babies. Life will never be the same without them. Love to you,
Chris
YOUR DAUGHTER HAS ONLY BEEN GONE 3 MONTHS. I,AM SO SORRY ANGER IS PART OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS. I WAS SO FILLED WITH ANGER WHEN MY DAUGHTER DIED.. AT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. . GOD BLESS YOUR ANGEL AND YOU GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO ENDURE ALL THE PAIN FROM LOOSING YOUR PRECIOUS ANGEL LOVE.
I don\'t keep up very well with the journals... but I do hope I can offer you comfort... I was so moved by your journal... about missing her sweetness even if it was rare... oh my what a smile as I remember Cara during the \"awful\" teen years... and her saying mean things to you... I wish I had saved the notes... during Cara\'s teen years she would get so mad and say some pretty awful things... to both me and her dad... and then later... a note on our pillow... saying she was so sorry and she loved us... I have a friend on Facebook... her name is Yvonne Rhodes... she writes some of the most awesome poetry... One of her poems... talking about missing the loud music, slamming doors... stuff like that... I\'m so sorry for your pain... I know how awful it is... I have found the raw edge has dulled... but I hurt and to be honest I don\'t ever expect not to hurt... I just pray to be able most of the time to remember the absolute miracle of Cara\'s life more than the grief of her death... Sending you hugs and prayers that you\'ll find comfort here. Elissa