getting ok with that out of control feeling
I was harranged by difficult ideas yesterday night and this morning at work. I persisted and kept the faith that
things would change and life would reveal a silver lining and some kind of nugget of sense that would carry me through
and give me firmament to stand on.
As I drove home I was open to the natural transition that comes from thinking about work and everyone there, to being
on my own in the world and how I define myself within those set of circumstances. In fact, I asked myself "What am I doing here?" when prying at away at wisdoms and thoughts..It finally ocurred to me that I am trying to define my boundary. That 'light bulb' moment made things really clear to me as I set about being at home. I felt 'more control' and less impulsive about my decision of what I was doing, eating, drinking and engaging in.
Though as time wore on, things muddied but I tried to keep the faith and went on FaceBook. The fatigue that I started to feel
really made me feel like an outsider to society at large - but even to my own life. Like I can't effectuate my life so well...and as though I was like out of control because I just kind of seem willowy thin and kind of on the outskirts of myself as well.
I am learning to give up to this sense of out control with a sense of acceptance. I know that I have this condition, and do have an excellent group of friends I keep in touch with. And though I may feel like my center is not me in my life I can appreciate my life in all humility. When I feel that sense of out of control I can muster the attitude of gratitude, to move on with the plans I have made and keep order to the things I can to some extent control. So I guess with 'getting ok with that out of control feeling' - though in the past I have tried to really control and sequester myself from public things to catch up to myself - now I am learning to just accept it - and for what I can make of it, things, my day. :)