Getting it out on "paper"
It's been a long damn time since I've been on this website.
I really need to get some emotions out onto paper where they cannot hurt anyone I love.
I don't care to play catch up and update this journal with what has gone on with me for the past year or so. I just want to focus on where I am at currently. I feel like I am at a current standstill of progression. Like I hit a rock and am expected to stay here.
I had surgery back November 2013 to cut the nerve to my uterus. That was a fun recovery- not. I feel like it helped me to a certain point, but not completely because I still deal with pain. I bled for I don't know how long every day after surgery and it didn't stop until my doc messed with my BC pills. I'm frustrated about my situation. Some days I feel depressed. Other days I'm not in pain, but I feel like I will be in pain soon because there's always some sort of pain to deal with.
My doctor can't do anything else to help me. Or he won't. Not really sure which one. But what other options am I left with? Basically none. I have this unexplained pain in my groin/inner hip area that is fucking obnoxious and has been highly pissed off the past week. I asked my doctor a few days ago if anything could be done about it- nope. Theres really no explination for that area being fucked up and hurting.
Literally I've had some times where I stand up (sitting on the couch or something) and put weight on my legs and itll pop out and I'll fall. I'll fucking fall on the ground or trip like some 80 year old crippled woman. I'M FUCKING 22 YEARS OLD FOR CHRISTS SAKE. I assume it's just related to the other bullshit I deal with.
I have that issue. I officially learned this past surgery that I had some endometriosis. They removed it but it can always (and who knows might have already) come back. Even the smallest amount can cause a huge amount of pain.
Then I have the whole bullshit chronic pelvic pain issues. In a way I've come to accept that I'll always have chronic pain, but in another way I haven't. I don't want to. I don't want to be stuck with this the rest of my life. It's fucking bullshit. It ruins EVERYTHING. Yes having this surgery did cut down on a lot of my pain. Which is totally wonderful and blah blah blah. But i still have issues. I still get pain so bad that it makes me ill (diarrhea, throwing up). My bladder SUCKS still. I can't drink say two glasses of water without having to pee. It hurts if I hold it too long. Sex still can be painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes I won't even want to have sex because I'm afraid of it hurting. Or I'm just in general not in the fucking mood because I HURT. Pain is a major killer with sex lives and marriages.
With marriage being said. I have a WONDERFUL husband who has stood by me through this every step of the way. It just pains me to have to make him deal with this. Or denying sex because I'm tired from pain, or I just hurt at the moment. He's super understanding but sometimes deep down I can't help but feel so awful because someone else could be way better then me. I try not to think that way because I love him and he loves me. Its just really fucking hard. Or when we are supposed to be going somewhere and we have to wait because I'm in the bathroom sick, or can't go because I'm sick.
Balancing a job is still really hard dealing with all of this shit. I got a part time job a few weeks back. 5 hours per shift max. So far I've managed to make my shifts and not go home early even when dealing with pain. Luckily I don't operate machinery or anything potentially dangerous because I've had to take my percocet at work a few times. Made work a hell of a lot more fun buuuuuut not what I was going for. I had one day last week where I had to open the store and didn't really know if I was going to be able to make it through. My mom always taught me that you show up for your shift even when your sick (unless dying, can't get off the toilet, or contagious), make it through as much as you can, and if you reaaaaally can't make it then you go home early. But at least you showed that you really are sick and you put an effort in. Less likely to get fired that way I guess. I can deal with being at work and dealing with cramps and general pain. But last week it was the pain that escalated into sick to my stomach pain. I had to go use the bathroom for about 10 mins, told my manager so she could cover me, and left to got to the BR. I get done and I hear her calling me "trying" to find me and I had a line about wrapped around the building at my register. My manager gave me one of those looks like I was playing fuck fuck games in the bathroom and like how dare you for not being at your register. I was mortified. Normal people don't say they have to go to the bathroom then disappear for 10 mins straight. :( I'm just glad that I haven't had to call out of a shift.
I'm just frustrated and fed up. I'm just at this point emotionally that it's all too much to deal with. The pain can be managed by taking my narcotics, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy pill popping all the damn time. I'd much rather smoke some weed but that isn't always an option. I'd love to move somewhere that I could go ahead and get medical marijuana. I think it would be such a wonderful thing for me. Obviously I need it so it's not like it would even be a problem to get the card. Just have to move somewhere. I'd rather smoke weed that I know isn't going to harm me then take a pill that is for sure harmful to my body. Plus smoking is an instantaneous thing as compared to taking a pill that takes about 30 mins to kick in. Sometimes i need the pain gone NOW not later.
I've been ranting typing for probably an hour, I have no clue. With this all being said I feel at least a little bit better that I could express myself in a healthy manner. More another time.
I really need to get some emotions out onto paper where they cannot hurt anyone I love.
I don't care to play catch up and update this journal with what has gone on with me for the past year or so. I just want to focus on where I am at currently. I feel like I am at a current standstill of progression. Like I hit a rock and am expected to stay here.
I had surgery back November 2013 to cut the nerve to my uterus. That was a fun recovery- not. I feel like it helped me to a certain point, but not completely because I still deal with pain. I bled for I don't know how long every day after surgery and it didn't stop until my doc messed with my BC pills. I'm frustrated about my situation. Some days I feel depressed. Other days I'm not in pain, but I feel like I will be in pain soon because there's always some sort of pain to deal with.
My doctor can't do anything else to help me. Or he won't. Not really sure which one. But what other options am I left with? Basically none. I have this unexplained pain in my groin/inner hip area that is fucking obnoxious and has been highly pissed off the past week. I asked my doctor a few days ago if anything could be done about it- nope. Theres really no explination for that area being fucked up and hurting.
Literally I've had some times where I stand up (sitting on the couch or something) and put weight on my legs and itll pop out and I'll fall. I'll fucking fall on the ground or trip like some 80 year old crippled woman. I'M FUCKING 22 YEARS OLD FOR CHRISTS SAKE. I assume it's just related to the other bullshit I deal with.
I have that issue. I officially learned this past surgery that I had some endometriosis. They removed it but it can always (and who knows might have already) come back. Even the smallest amount can cause a huge amount of pain.
Then I have the whole bullshit chronic pelvic pain issues. In a way I've come to accept that I'll always have chronic pain, but in another way I haven't. I don't want to. I don't want to be stuck with this the rest of my life. It's fucking bullshit. It ruins EVERYTHING. Yes having this surgery did cut down on a lot of my pain. Which is totally wonderful and blah blah blah. But i still have issues. I still get pain so bad that it makes me ill (diarrhea, throwing up). My bladder SUCKS still. I can't drink say two glasses of water without having to pee. It hurts if I hold it too long. Sex still can be painful and uncomfortable. Sometimes I won't even want to have sex because I'm afraid of it hurting. Or I'm just in general not in the fucking mood because I HURT. Pain is a major killer with sex lives and marriages.
With marriage being said. I have a WONDERFUL husband who has stood by me through this every step of the way. It just pains me to have to make him deal with this. Or denying sex because I'm tired from pain, or I just hurt at the moment. He's super understanding but sometimes deep down I can't help but feel so awful because someone else could be way better then me. I try not to think that way because I love him and he loves me. Its just really fucking hard. Or when we are supposed to be going somewhere and we have to wait because I'm in the bathroom sick, or can't go because I'm sick.
Balancing a job is still really hard dealing with all of this shit. I got a part time job a few weeks back. 5 hours per shift max. So far I've managed to make my shifts and not go home early even when dealing with pain. Luckily I don't operate machinery or anything potentially dangerous because I've had to take my percocet at work a few times. Made work a hell of a lot more fun buuuuuut not what I was going for. I had one day last week where I had to open the store and didn't really know if I was going to be able to make it through. My mom always taught me that you show up for your shift even when your sick (unless dying, can't get off the toilet, or contagious), make it through as much as you can, and if you reaaaaally can't make it then you go home early. But at least you showed that you really are sick and you put an effort in. Less likely to get fired that way I guess. I can deal with being at work and dealing with cramps and general pain. But last week it was the pain that escalated into sick to my stomach pain. I had to go use the bathroom for about 10 mins, told my manager so she could cover me, and left to got to the BR. I get done and I hear her calling me "trying" to find me and I had a line about wrapped around the building at my register. My manager gave me one of those looks like I was playing fuck fuck games in the bathroom and like how dare you for not being at your register. I was mortified. Normal people don't say they have to go to the bathroom then disappear for 10 mins straight. :( I'm just glad that I haven't had to call out of a shift.
I'm just frustrated and fed up. I'm just at this point emotionally that it's all too much to deal with. The pain can be managed by taking my narcotics, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy pill popping all the damn time. I'd much rather smoke some weed but that isn't always an option. I'd love to move somewhere that I could go ahead and get medical marijuana. I think it would be such a wonderful thing for me. Obviously I need it so it's not like it would even be a problem to get the card. Just have to move somewhere. I'd rather smoke weed that I know isn't going to harm me then take a pill that is for sure harmful to my body. Plus smoking is an instantaneous thing as compared to taking a pill that takes about 30 mins to kick in. Sometimes i need the pain gone NOW not later.
I've been ranting typing for probably an hour, I have no clue. With this all being said I feel at least a little bit better that I could express myself in a healthy manner. More another time.
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