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malibumark
Mood:  Ok

Getting it all out but....

I found myself raging or really coursing inside with energy this morning and not having a productive focus


or a sense of what to do with it.  I thought about how it's important to 'get it all out' emotionally - to not deny


our natures (which would be unhealthy)


and I tried to follow the energy to find a logical conclusion about it - to understand it, to learn, to find a truth


(or algorythm hehe) or wisdom/cautionary lesson - but it seemed to be


unraveling me, rather than building me up. I wasn't dealing with my 'here and now' and so I got hold of myself to just get


serious


and then was reminded of Lady Mary on Dowton Abbey when she said 'they let it all out, how do we get it all back in?'


I saw the reality of that idea she said and I think my response to that for me has something to do with acceptance of my emotional state


rather than the total full indulgence of it ... To accept that I can't ride the coursing energy in me


but I need to just keeping busy in the here and now 'here and now' and not try to exist in some sense of image


about what I should or could do. It's made me look at my life - the feelings of unimportance and so illegitimacy


have demotivated me from building anything because it wouldn't be accepted in the limelight


- but I think owning my small corner of the world is real


important. No one is right. No one is perfect. Everyone's dealing with their humanity- and every truth a person speaks


can be argued.


I think I can want or have a kind of expectation or vision to the way my life


or I should be - call it from pressure I have received or felt-  and 'acceptance' is really part of understanding the perspective I own in being


not a person that is an image but as a functioning human animal unique individual person with my strong suits and disabilities


- things that don't measure up to our societal icons. Perhaps icons and styles are something to be broken! 


I think sometimes people, and I have been guilty of it, see only the aesthetic of a person and not the whole person and their humanity.


If the observer doesn't see it or read in another how they like things to be in life, they can get thrown off into a lot of anxiety and reaction.


I think this idea can be turned into a kind of bigger sense of political predispositions.

I am seeing for myself that each of us has to make our way in the world. No matter

how it looks or how

some might not agree with my philosophy or like it.

Some might disagree with my politics but 

my aim is to make those who I can effect, a little happier

in their survival. If perhaps that's just a moment in the day or week...

or for ongoing better survival in their lives in a greater way.

That's my aim.

I have gone from such in my life, to other extremes which are more acceptable


but also much more life affirming and loving and caring in a fully dimensional way.


So another thought about the nature of acceptance of myself and quirky life was to love and respect who I am


when making choices about what to do with myself and my life. I think I have found it.


I have enough money and decent living arrangements to live a life of dignity


and respect and contempation. I used to look for a kind of grand vision

to fulfill with my life - as a way to be accepted - as a way to accept myself

- as a way to birth into full actualization. Again I mentioned some of that earlier

with the notes about icons.

 

I am realizing again that my life is not about a destination but about a journey.

So I accept that I have if but a small amount, it's a good amount to 

do things with each month, and I am very blessed and happy. I will

make life better for those in my sphere and reach out as well. 
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Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD

I think loving and respecting yourself sweetie is a great way to live and is what we should all strive for!!

Big hug...xo
malibumark
malibumark

Thanks Janet!
arfie
arfie

the notion of following energy to a logical conclusion led my logic to a footbridge on the brandywine river in brandywine park in wilmington, delaware where my sister sprinkled her husband's ashes some odd years after he died. she had pretty much given up on life after her husband died. the council of sisters (there are 6 of us, 7 if you include the sister-in-law who feels more like blood than law) had hoped letting go of his ashes would encourage her to get back to living. it didn't work. she languished in her daily breaths for some odd years longer before she finally died of alcoholic dementia. did her energy find a logical conclusion?

just rambling. . . just sharing. . .

there is a storm front passing over my head this morning. it is tempting another storm front in my head. plying therapy tools.

may the energies reach their logical conclusions.

do i sound crazier than usual this morning? this, too, shall pass, with or without logical conclusions.
malibumark
malibumark

I hope you see that you have some agency with your energies - you can engage them with a healthful
way. big hug arfie. You don't sound crazy at all. I am sorry for your pain. ((HUG))
arfie
arfie

yes, markus, i do see that, in great detail, every day. pain is inevitable. suffering is optional. i don't believe i have much control over what life sends my way. what to do with those gifts is entirely up to me.