Getting going...solo
Can you be alone and entertain yourself? I put that question to myself today...
You can have self discipline but you don't need to deny your feelings... I told myself -
and today I was not doing the Treepeople event as there wasn't one offered near me...
So, I woke up this morning with no pressure to get anything done... It was a novelty...!!!
My instinct at first, when I woke, was to keep disciplined about the morning
and yet then I thought to go with my feelings - ('it was ok', I coached myself)
but tried to still keep strong along the way..
I didn't do my regular jaunt out to the coffee shop...it's not in the budget
'pre-this-vacation-trip' coming up...I layed in bed instead! ...and ate a bowl of granola
and then had some dried mango. I got up at 618a! :) late for me.
I took a shower and cleaned up and dressed
and then I decided to and started to go with my feelings, my mind or being seemed to open up, awaken.
I knew there were a whole slew of things I can do...
My day did not have to be dictated by spending...
I thought about my therapist's inspiration of sitting under a tree.
I made a list on my journal as a reminder
and exercise to see all the variety of things I could do...
I went out to the museum (CMATO) and unfortunately it was closed..until Feb 18
It got me out the door though, so that was good - and I wandered around the shopping
mall for a little while. It was sunny, friendly and beautiful...
I've been thinking lately too that I want a partner but have a different sense of what to look
for - I am too in between things right now for it though.
I also feel like, as I walked along, - that I was able to 'be by myself' - and I have learned to be contented solo -
a.k.a. I think I know how to take care of myself and entertain myself. Well, today... it's an especially good start...:)!
I feel like there's a missing puzzle piece in me and it's scary to think about
reaching out for a partner...maybe we're all scared...
Anyways I came home and I just feel like I have a healthy perspective on
things. I am feeling with my body - but also making decisions which are
disciplined or self aware, strong.
I know there's more out there...to do ...I'd like to explore that later today
with a walk around the park...I need a shave as well... hehe ..
the idea of my upcoming adventure in the future (which I will tell you guys about soon)
is coming to mind. I have some choices to make. I am lucky to have choices..
Just thoughts.
And as a tangent to these thoughts, I think that creating something like art, which I used to do, and putting it out there is something I have retreated from because that has been a safe perspective. I think, with a sense of that perspective now, I really need to put myself out there and ‘believe in the beauty of my dreams.'
Everyone has to try something and I think my resilience now in the face of 'how it will be received' is
something I can process with a greater skill.
Replies
I want to tell you guys that after a while of leading myself through the day, I found that I couldn’t keep up with my energy’s drive.and depression started to set in.. It was small at first but augmented with time. I decided to just go through the routine of getting ready for bed and took my meds. I got into bed and couldn’t really get into watching the tv either. I didn’t really know what to do. Laying down to sleep that depression and now anxiety for not knowing what to do with myself led to me just being frozen in anxiety and depression. I then reached for the idea my therapist offered which was to have a mission statement for my life, though it helped a little, I subsequently then thought to just be self responsible and that really brought me back to the path of competency.
So good night all! Take good care of yourselves and lives. One step at a time, we may not know the big picture but we can keep going one step at a time assured that we are taking care and affirmed for being responsible.
Hugs and peace sent your way, Markus. Many people are afraid, many have worries about things. Keep fighting through for solid connections on the adventure that is life.