getting back to work: and considering the forces within all of us

sometimes I take a mental wrong turn. how many times have I written about it.

a momentary dissapointment - will latch on to a projected stresser -

which then becomes nerve wracking worries and can escalate  - it all adds up

It can make you feel like you're the only one with issues

or weaknesses like that.

In the last journal I was talking about considering the desires

and dark drives within me -  and acknowledging them - while choosing how to express them

or give them attention - choosing 

to be around those who have the values you admire and are a part of your own slant ..in terms of what they do

with their human passions while surviving ...I'm learning that here in this

community. I read a history about the divine liturgy with Father Andrew today, the second day in a row,

and we've a plan to also meet tomorrow at 1pm. I really enjoyed reading it with him.

He's such a gentle soul and he teaches me in the consideration he makes

and it teaches me that I am considering him - not just with the immediate attention of things- 

but with fellow man - coming to fellow man - reading a religious history and discussing

what it means - while continuing to grapple with our humanity - in the face of the glowing example

of religion. It really is a wonderful thing.

I started to think about him and that time we were sharing, just now, as I really was grappling with 

some feelings of powerlessness and weakness after that mental wrong turn.

I think we all have moments like that of weakness and worry -  - and then for me

I recognized I needed to turn around and think - well 'how am I going to react to it' - if this is

an element of human passions etc.. humanity.

What source of power or reassurance will I look towards to get me back on path

of dealing successfully with the day.

I thought about my future job, starting on November 6. I am grateful

I have that to go to - not only for the remuneration - and focus - but also for

the tangible structure it'll give me.  In all serious considerations I've paid to 

these anxieties I talk about so frequently - I know for myself that I can't deny myself the vantage

and acknowledgment that in so far as 

we each have moments of feeling weak, when we're alone or on our own, that

the success I can give to myself is thinking that I am handling it coterminously

in the vantage and spirit of humanity.

Does that make sense?

It really helps me.