Getting a little off track

  Lately I haven't been feeling, or doing all that great. Money things seem to really throw me off track. Really nice when I have lots, but it gets hard when I'm low. Start worrying about all kinds of things, and then I get off track with my recovery. I'm trying to stay away from the pain medication now. Those little buggers are really anoying. I really didn't think much of them until I went without them a couple of days. Felt really sick and a headache. My hand is doing fine so I don't need them for pain, so I am stopping them. Working with Bob goes well at times, but I am spending too much time doing that. I think I should start going to meetings again. I haven't been with any other people except Bob, and he can drive you nuts at times. He's good in a lot of ways, but doesn't make sense a lot of times. We spend so much time doing foolish stuff. Looking for tools and stuff. I like being a lot more organized. I remember when I moved into this place here, and the guy came to clean. It was really filthy, and he comes in with this tiny sponge. I thought, "What the hell." Now sometimes he tries that with me, but I keep ahead and keep stuff to work with now. Some of these properties are disgusting. It's really a shame to see how some people choose to live, and it is a choice. You can tell a lot about the people when you see the place. Sometimes you know there alcoholic, or into drugs. Sometimes the person has just left for some reason, usually in jail or something, and they leave all their stuff. I've gotten a lot of things from cleaning these places. It's almost as if you don't even have to shop. Last night I got so much food from this one house. My freezer is full, as well as the fridge. Good meat and everything. I check everything I take tho. You have to be carefull that way. If I suspect anything at all, it's garbage. I don't take anything unopened either. On the downfall, you see the worst things too. Some of the properties are really nice, and nice people live in them, and others are people addicted to whatever, or have mental problems. One place last night really disgusted me. I was cleaning it, and seen two of those blue 5gal water containers. They were full, so I brought them outside to dump them. Took the lid off and started dumping and was overcome with the filthiest smell of old piss. Splashed on my hand. I just through it and ran inside to wash my hands. Disgusting. Why would a person do that, I don't know. Only thing I can figure is they must have been fucked up. Found some other stuff there. These batterie silver egg shaped things that I guess were a vibrator or something. I tried to think of how it could be used, I didn't touch it tho. I make sure I wear gloves and disinfect my hands all the time. Anyway, that's enough of that. I seem to always find myself in these jobs that no one else would do. Wonder what's up with that. I'm going to start looking at making some changes with my life. A little while ago it seemed as if everything I ever wanted was starting to happen. I got a job, got an apartment, had someone in my life that I cared about. I felt lots of love, peace and contentment then. It was wonderful, but it's changed. I want that back again. I know it may never be the same, but I beleive that I can find that contentment with life again. Having someone to care about andf love seems to do wonders for me. I feel much more happier that way. Even my spirituality seemed so much better. I had a lot more hope, and felt a sense of purpose. I don't feel a sense of purpose anymore. Doing things for myself seems like just existing to me. It just doesn't have the same meaning to me. Lord, I pray that you help me to refocus my life, help me to get some meaning and purpose. Show me your ways, because I just don't know what's always right. Thank you, Lord.