get in line!

You aren't the only one kicking my ass these days. i know what needs to be done. I know He's toxic and it is over. I know! I know! I know!It's easy to say what I should do. Right now there is NO financial way for me to do this. It is not a pity thing for me cause I want no pity. I haven't the resources to file for divorce. I have talked to not 1 but 2 lawyers and I am doing what they have advised me to do for now. I have talked to my counselor and I am doing what he advises me to do also. I know that I felt a little bit of satisfaction from knowing I had a little "power" over him. I know I felt like I could finally control something that was and is going on it my life. I know! I know! I know!It felt good! And I relished in the afterglow. He has taken so much from me. more than I have the time or inclination to put on this forum. But I am handling it. Finally I am getting some of my inner self back. I can't be expected to turn the last 27 years around in a short month after joining this group. I listen to your advice and that of the other friends. A lot of it is me saying those same things day after day. I want to be a better person who is stronger, more self assured and positive about herself. Give me time! Let me make my own mistakes. Lord knows I have made a few doozies! I am NOT in a pissing match with him. He has no balls and wouldnt even know how to try that. He is getting a little payback. Not from me but from his guilt. And no one can begrudge me the satisfaction of being around to see that happen. If the divorce is the one thing that would make him happy, why in the hell would I want to do that right now? He took my happiness away and I think I will hold on to his a little bit longer.No doubt the divorce will eventually go thru. But I will not make it easy for me. He has been pampered by the women in his life ALL his life. Let him make a move for once that he had to follow thru on his own. I don't know what I feel about him. It was a long long time and even tho they werent the best years they were our years. And if and when they end I will be much stronger to handle it. And yes I said "if". I know in my head it will but my heart has to catch up. And I am pretty sure that the resentment, anger, frustration, hatred, spitefulness and terror will all come to an end sooner than later. Once I get my power back.
This is all new to me, friend, and I can't rush into anything. There are a few details that I need to work out legally before the divorce. You have wise advise because you are at the end of my beginning. You have been thru what I have yet to experience. Just be there with your words of wisdom when I am an idiot. Just listen when I need to vent. And always know that I trust your advice and respect you highly for having come thru your divorce the way you did.
still your friend (even with that bootprint on my ass)



where there is a will, there is a way. I went from a fully paid house, mortgage, debt free to having a mortgage and debts again at 60. So if it is that bad, get out. He has to support you until you are able to look after yourself. If you are working, get going because it will get nasty.