general thoughts

Suicide, self-harm, self-blame, porn addiction, self sabatoge, these things are a part of me, a part of my life. They have crept in silently like mold behind a sheetrock wall, lurking causing damage unbenownest to you, as leathal as it is silent. Once you admit that its there it is so wide spread that even if you stop the growth it has stained you forever. How can i ever recover the life that i had? Or at least the life that i thought i had? I have pulled down the sheetrock and now sometimes i wish i never had, but then if it was only getting worse the whole time, i wonder how much longer i would have been alive before i just suddenly snapped all alone? with no one to help me put the peices back together i would have probably just ended it. I hate to admit that coming out in the open with all of it was a good thing, but i have to, because it was. still, I'm left to rebuild with a stained interior wall that has evidance of damage that goes to the floor as well.This anallogy makes me think about construction. Sometimes you get a brand new piece of wood and you paint it or cover it with sheet rock. This is typical and every one does it. Its what you expect to see. but sometimes you get an old weatherbeatn peice of wood. A peice that was once thought of as damaged, you clean it off and treat it to prevent more damage. You then use this peice of wood unpainted, uncovered because there is a certain beauty in its blemishes. I still think and wonder in my head that maybe i am ment to volenteer and help others. Show my imperfections, show my blemishies and stains, and show that i can still be useful. I amgoing to see my councelor today... i think i will ask her if there is anything that i can do. I have know idea what i can do... i just feel drawn to the idea of helping in some way.The other side of the coin is that i feel like i have no time to volenteer while at the same time i feel like if i dont do something worthwile with my life, i may be indanger of not wanting to live it. Right now i feel like every bump in the road is a canyon that i just cant get past. I have too many ups and downs. My doc just changed my meds so.... lets see how that goes. Next week is thanksgiving. This year we will spend it with my wife's family. Her mom makes the best turkey i have ever eaten. Oh my... well now i have not only gone off track, the tracks have mutually decided that they no longer want to travel in the same direction and subsequently have split up.enough for now... more later.