general thoughts
Suicide, self-harm, self-blame, porn addiction, self sabatoge, these things are a part of me, a part of my life. They have crept in silently like mold behind a sheetrock wall, lurking causing damage unbenownest to you, as leathal as it is silent. Once you admit that its there it is so wide spread that even if you stop the growth it has stained you forever. How can i ever recover the life that i had? Or at least the life that i thought i had? I have pulled down the sheetrock and now sometimes i wish i never had, but then if it was only getting worse the whole time, i wonder how much longer i would have been alive before i just suddenly snapped all alone? with no one to help me put the peices back together i would have probably just ended it. I hate to admit that coming out in the open with all of it was a good thing, but i have to, because it was. still, I'm left to rebuild with a stained interior wall that has evidance of damage that goes to the floor as well.This anallogy makes me think about construction. Sometimes you get a brand new piece of wood and you paint it or cover it with sheet rock. This is typical and every one does it. Its what you expect to see. but sometimes you get an old weatherbeatn peice of wood. A peice that was once thought of as damaged, you clean it off and treat it to prevent more damage. You then use this peice of wood unpainted, uncovered because there is a certain beauty in its blemishes. I still think and wonder in my head that maybe i am ment to volenteer and help others. Show my imperfections, show my blemishies and stains, and show that i can still be useful. I amgoing to see my councelor today... i think i will ask her if there is anything that i can do. I have know idea what i can do... i just feel drawn to the idea of helping in some way.The other side of the coin is that i feel like i have no time to volenteer while at the same time i feel like if i dont do something worthwile with my life, i may be indanger of not wanting to live it. Right now i feel like every bump in the road is a canyon that i just cant get past. I have too many ups and downs. My doc just changed my meds so.... lets see how that goes. Next week is thanksgiving. This year we will spend it with my wife's family. Her mom makes the best turkey i have ever eaten. Oh my... well now i have not only gone off track, the tracks have mutually decided that they no longer want to travel in the same direction and subsequently have split up.enough for now... more later.
Replies
LMAO. ok, i\'m sorry (irreverent Jo that i am), i just the thought the \"best turkey i have ever eaten\" derailment was hilarious. anyway...
ok. good journal entry. i love how you pull something out from deep inside, ponder over it for a while, and turnn it into an analogy that fits where you are in your life. i think the more ways (mediums) that one can use to heal, the more profound the results will be. by that i mean, it\'s one thing to just read what others say, or have the occasional passing thought about your own situation. yet it\'s another to really delve into yourself, think about what you see there, think of a way to make it more personable, and then journal about the resultant analogy here. i hope that makes sense. it\'s like you do more than just say, \"i have a lot of stuff to change\"... you think about what that means, until you are able to relate it to something you can wrap your mind around, and practically work on...
one thing i wanted to comment on was where you said, \"show that i can still be useful\"... personally, i don\'t think you ever STOPPED being useful. maybe you stopped THINKING you were useful, but you\'ve always been that Keith. your marriage probably wouldn\'t have lasted, nor your son been the kind of person he is, nor would you have a slew of friends here on DS had you stopped being useful. again, personally, i think you\'re a VERY USEFUL friend, especially for late, late, LATE night chat marathons and information on how to mount 6ft unicycles. i\'m just saying... seriously, you\'re very valueable to me, and to a lot of people in your life.
that being said, i really think your therapist was on to something (which you were already feeling inside) regarding your volunteering. (i was supposed to reply to that email... WOOOOOOPS. i ate too many South American hot peppers and was \"indisposed\"... ha!) just Google for any volunteer positions available in your area. i\'m sure you can find something that will fit your Tropical Storm Work Schedule (i couldn\'t resist...).
but i know that your deeper conundrum is your fear of having to expose your Story to others - whether the person who \"hires\" you for volunteer services, or the person you are helping. there is truth in the saying that \"it gets easier with every telling\", but for your purposes, look at it like this: how hard would it be to overcome your fear if you KNEW that it might help a young child in a similar childhood nightmare. some child who maybe thinks they are the only one who is going through what they have/are, and consequently is keeping silent. stuffing all that in. i think hearing from you would help them immensely.
also, don\'t forget what i always say \"you don\'t have to tell everything, but what you do tell, let it be the Truth.\" i think part of your fear of speaking about your Story, is that you think you will have to tell EVERYTHING in horrific detail. that\'s not true. you tell what you feel comfortable telling (but the Truth), and leave it at that. you might find that when those you work with get more comfortable telling YOU stuff about THEMSELVES, that you will be able to open up a little bit more. i think you\'re getting good practice by opening up here in your journal. also, don\'t forget the suggestion to maybe copy and print what you write here, and give it to your therapist...
i think you are doing a FANTASTIC job with speaking more openly about what you are feeling. i can see a HUGE change even from when we first started conversing. i know it\'s very, very hard to see your own progress, but believe me - you are really moving along on your Journey.
thank you for letting me come along.
btw, have you ever had fried turkey? it is slap someone good!!
Have i ever had fried turkey... mmmm.... let me think..... YES!!! My next door neighbor where i used to live worked in a ship yard. he made this contraption that connected a 30 gal propane tank to 5 burners. He used it for crawfish boils and fried turkeys. The first year he had it he was so into it he made way too many turkeys and was giving them away. I miss that neighbor...
thanks for everything you said. I actually did not know what i was going to write until i started writing. I hope my crazy analogy made since