Gaslighting: Can I or Can't I?

I know that he's gaslighting me every chance he can, but I feel I'm strong enough to handle most of it and its not like its tearing me up inside 24/7 and I am trying to be more independant like I was when we first got together. I have health issues and not a very strong steady long work history either to keep me independent in the ways I should be. 

I don't have insurance or income of my own and its really hard for me to get and keep a job when I have so many health issues that I can't even get taken care of right now. The only thing I really wanted from our relationship is to love and be loved unconditionally more than anything else cause that's what life is about for me now since I've had kids and can't have anymore or don't want anymore really. I just think that we are not moving forward in our relationship and aren't on the same page making our lives better and more enjoyable for each other and for all of our kids, including the older ones we've got from previous relationships/marriages. 

I feel like we're never going to move forward or get in a better place in life or in love. I just want to know if he still wants me in his life period or if he wants his freedom to do what he wants with whomever he wants. I just don't want to be alone and I want someone that wants me like I want them or similar to how I want them.  If that is wrong of me then I guess I deserve how he treats me. Besides, its not constant and usually when he gas lights me, we are arguing or having a disagreement of sorts cause we aren't communicating in the same way. So maye I can handle him gaslighting me because I'm gaslighting myself in a way by not being able to get the healthcare I need or the job and or income I want or need as well. 

I think this will be debatable though in a few weeks or months when it comes time for me to finallize my decision on staying with him or flat out leaving for good.