Furious

I am not necessarily having a bad day but today I am furious. I used to always be admired for my patience and easy going attitude but this year especially, I am angrier, more hateful, and more stressed out than ever.

Firstly I am mad because last night my doc called me and let me know that my insurance still hasn't approved medicine I need to be on. Also the lab lost my last blood test so I have to do it again tomorrow. Medical incompetence and the insurance racket piss everyone off.

Second, Saturday my fiance brought home his brother's dog and said we had to babysit it because they were leaving Sunday to spend the holidays in Pennsylvania. I had repeatedly told him no. I don't like dogs, my mom is allergic, and we are not set up for one at all so he has been staying in the house. Even after a bath, he still has that oily musky dog smell and we have Thanksgiving for my family at my house this week! I'm going to spend all day tomorrow scrubbing and bleaching and burning incense. Not to mention my cats are afraid of him and when we let him out to potty one of the porch cats scratched him in the eye.

Just really fucking pisses me off that yet again, no one from his family got ahold of me to tell me the situation or ask my permission. Fiance is bad at saying no, and his brother won't take no for an answer. Bad combination. They are also both compulsive liars.

So get this, this morning his brother's woman (they have a baby but unclear relationship) texts me and asks how the dog is doing. I told her he got scratched in the eye and keeps me awake at night and scoots his butt on the floor and has fleas. She said to bring him home. I was like uh aren't y'all in Pennsylvania? She says no they aren't going and never left. Then why the fuck is this dog at my house???

And that just brings me around to more pissed off feelings toward my fiance and his family. Luckily he had to work so we got out of going to his dad's for Thanksgiving but there is still Christmas to worry about. I think I'm going to refuse to go. I honestly am not looking forward to that silly holiday and all the money wasting and debauchery that goes with it. I would like to break up before then.

I gave my fiance a stern talking to last Tuesday about his money issues and drug use. I told him what an embarrassment he is to me and that it has to stop. He over drafted our joint account ( I have my own separate) so I told him I'm taking away his debit card and giving him an allowance so no more money is coming out of account unexpectedly because he bought drugs or needed gas to go to a drugees house. I told him I don't want to be with him and that it's humiliating I even have to put up with a drugee. I told him I'm tired of thinking about paying for his hospital bills and funeral because he won't take care of his health. I told him I don't want kids with a drugee who puts poison in his body and is going to die and leave then fatherless.

He didn't have much to say other than he wasn't leaving and things would get better. Good grief I've never had trouble getting guys to dump me before. Is there such a thing as too loyal?

Then I get to thinking about his brother, who is a dumbass heroin addict. At least my fiance doesn't do that shit. But his brother wrecked 3 cars in a month and somehow still has a driver's license and isn't in jail, even tho he was fucked up on heroin when he totaled all 3 vehicles. It makes me so mad. It's like when will it stop? When he kills a pregnant mom with 2 kids in the back of the car? Will it stop then or will he continue not to care? The last time he overdosed my fiance got him out of the hospital and took him to a rehab facility and they said he wasn't bad off enough to stay there. That's how bad the drugs are! It's ridiculous I have to deal with this in my life. I was not raised my drugees, my mom doesn't even drink, neither does my brother. Most of my friends don't drink and go to church, are married with kids. Some of them smoke cigarettes and I think that is awful. I shouldn't have to be exposed to people from this lifestyle. No lifestyle is the wrong word, that insults the gay community and their lifestyle. Drug addicts are selfish criminals who need to be locked up before they destroy all lives around them.

My mom says it's none of my business and not to worry about it but how can I not when Im supposed to be marrying into this stupid family. Which I don't really plan on doing but his family don't talk to me. They know we are engaged and that's it.

Which brings me back around to my health issues. I'm supposed to be starting hormone therapy soon if my insurance approves it. I won't be able to take my birth control. I thought I couldn't have kids but my gynecologist seems to think I still can and need to worry about getting pregnant while on this treatment. I don't want kids with him. Sex is painful recently anyway because of my ic flare up and endometriosis. My mom thinks I'm lucky a guy wants me. I think I'm in a bad situation. A man is the last thing I need at this point. If he still won't leave he is just going to have to jerk himself off for 6 months or find some skank to feel sorry for him. I'm not risking a baby. I don't ever want kids and I don't trust condoms. Even more stuff to worry about that I don't need in my life.

One piece of good news is my college I graduated from offers alot of online degrees in subjects I'm interested in. I requested more info about transferring credits. I think I can get another certificate in less than a year, which would qualify me for a part time consulting job at the hospital. That would be a dream. I haven't told my family yet. They will just sabotage and discourage me. But I think I can do it. Even if it's in secret. It's exciting really. I guess I should think about that instead of how angry I am. I have to go do blood work tomorrow and try not to pass out. I guess I can treat myself to some food and a new dress for the company Christmas party.