Funny how life works

I came to this site with the sole intention of being a friend to those in need. But it's funny that so soon I'm the one who needs help.

You see the thing is, ever since I graduated highschool, which is when I began abusing marijuana, I've had seasonal depression, which I only noticed after a few years had gone by. Ofcourse I quickly quit the weed, but the pattern remained. And every year without fail, nothing but bad comes out of August, September, October, November.

It got worse and worse and the past three years I've come dangerously close to calling it quits. The first time I didnt have the courage and ran away from place I was physically at. The second time, I had the blade in my skin and refused only to give myself another chance at enlightenment. This time, I just said fuck it. It's not happening. Not on my watch. I dont care what. Take everything from me and throw everything at me, you want me dead, do it yourself. @life

But its funny how life works. Because after I decide this I find out my own sister just made an attempt on her life. And then some shit comes out from under the rug about a history of depression on my mothers side.

So December is christmass for me for more reasons than one. I finally get to feel like the pistol to my head is gone for the mean time. And so I get full swing into a brilliant surge of energy. In a way it is a fight for my life. Ideas. Opportunities for financial stability. Spiritual progress. Healing of broken relationships. I become more active, I start sleeping properly, eating properly. I do a full 360 in a matter of about 2 days! I then sign up to DS to share some of this energy while it lasts and hopefully cultivate it so it lasts a little longer.

But in my understandable haste, I'm a bit too trusting of those closest to me. You see its always those ones, the ones who know you best, your own flesh and blood, the ones you think you would trust with your life, who pull you in, fuck you over, and hang you out to dry with the rest of the laundry. At a moments notice, depending on the wind, I am liable to the rotten taste of unprovoked and repeated emotional abuse from those who I thought I could depend on. The same people who have put hands on me, starved me, kicked me out, humiliated me over and over again. In a flash I go from hero to zero and the usual thoughts flood in. But this time something is different.

I do not know what will become of me but one thing I know I will still be here provided I don't get run over or fall terminally ill. I look at the situation before me, I let the feelings consume me. Of the worst betrayal. Of abandonment. Of false accusation. Of hatred. Of abuse. From people I would give my life for. The feeling is hot, suffocating and hopeless. You have to remember to breathe deep to find the strength to bear it. There is not even a space for crying. You just sit it in like a hot soup and let it consume you. When you realize you are truly alone and its not a delusion that the world with its current perimeter is really against you. And then after a little while you find some space to think and think to yourself: Damn! That sucks a big one. And chuckle lightly.

Then just for the heck of it. You put yourself in their shoes. A seemingly impossible task. You concentrate and see yourself as them. With their thoughts, and feelings, and perspectives and activities and intentions and loves and hates and pasts and everything. And you empathise. And you say mentally "I forgive you". And you find that you actually mean it.

And then I realize. I'm fucking invincible! Lets go!