FUNKED UP!
I am so sad and depressed. I went to counseling today. I was supposed to have EMDR but we just talked, instead. That was ok with me. I cried a lot. Seems the longer Scott is gone the more I miss him. The special events have been tough but it is the daily, little stuff, I miss the most. Even when we were going through the worst with his addiction I still had hope. Now, hope is gone. The fact that he didn't mean to die makes it even harder, I think, for me. Of course, I can't compare to anyone else or myself. He didn't want to die. I know that. He was looking forward to many things. He just had one more court issue. He was planning on going to a Community College in the fall. He had an application for an apartment. He was going to get his license back. He had long term plans of marriage, home ownership, a family, etc. We talked about these things all the time. Just one too many of some damned pill!!!!! His stupid mistake. My stupid mistake for saying, Saturday, he was going back in rehab on Monday, and then having him die on Sunday! God, if I could only go back!!! It has truly been making me sick to my stomach! Even more than usual. I don't know how to keep doing this. I just don't care about anything except my family. If it weren't for them I wouldn't keep on keeping on. Take the tonadoes and bad weather....do they get me? Nooooo! They just jump ahead. What in the world did any of us do to deserve this pain? A friend sent me an email and one part said, "Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." I think this is good advice. I need to find the smile because Scott happened and not cry because it is over. But, dammit, I want it all! I want him & I know that is just not going to happen. Okay, enough! I am going to go fishing with Adam as soon as I get my fishing license and there is a nice day without flooded lakes/rivers. He will have to bait my hook. My counselor thinks it would be a good idea to really try to bond even more with Adam since he is still home. It won't help with Scott being gone but it might help. Adam and I are pretty close but we don't have much in common. So, I can fish. I even like it. I just can't bait the hook. YUCK! I will be glad to spend some one-on-one with Adam. Peaceful wishes to everyone reading and those who aren't.
Replies
I\'m not sure why time passing makes it more harder, but I feel the same way over loosing Shaun. You did your best as his mother to help him,
you can\'t blame yourself over a freak accident honey - you will never find the peace you need - I\'m telling you this, and I sit here wanting to scream at the walls and punch something over the anger I feel - I want Shaun back too - he had plans - we just don\'t have the power to predict anything that is going to happen to us in our lives. Everyone has told me to pour my love out to Josh - I do - but at the same time I\'m stuck in grief - and it\'s hard - plus Josh is at that age where he really doesn\'t want to do anything with mom - just eat my cooking..... I think the fresh air and fishing will be relaxing - and leave your soul feel a little more rested. I am here for you - always - take care - and may God truly bless you.
The reason it hurts so much is because you have all this love bottled up inside you that you would normaly give Scott and you can not. That is how I feel at times any way. Those damn pills, wouldnt it be nice if we could go through life without medication. My Brandon took to many also. Hoping your day today goes better.
Gary
I feel your pain i too hate those damn pills my words exactly and my if only! if only! still come to me on a daily bases it drives me crazy. Peace to you Tammy
I to think that the fishing teip will help you get together with Adam and maybe you two can bond a little over the fish. :) Scott will like that you are trying to do things with Adam. Adam will too as he lost someone dear to him. The clean air will help to. Go out and enjoy the day for what it is worth. Hurting has its place and it maybe today it is on the hook with the worm. :) Take care and my best wishes go out to you. Tammie
We didn\'t do anything to deserve this...I cannot believe that. Our children made choices and other people made choices...and a series of events lead to their death. I miss Alex too...so hard...but maybe we can find little bits of happiness each day. Love to you...Karen
At times I\'m right there with you, what did I ever do to deserve this. I try and be thankful I had Matthew for 18 years and yet the pain does worsen, I do miss him more each day. My prayers and love to you, enjoy the fishing with Adam! Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Ginger,
It is the most painful journey we will have to take and I know we will be ok. I understand about there being so many things that the future held for Scott and I also know the pain in not seeing our children experiencing the life they had hoped for.
All we can do is go moment to moment and one day we will see our babies again. Hugs, Inga
You did nothing to deserve this. Let go of that and the thought you could have changed something, you couldn\'t. Go fishing and try to accept the unacceptable and find some peace. Love and hugs Cathy
I know what you mean, I feel that way about Reggie~ just turing 20 and leaving this Earth the same day.I use to wonder why was I being punish.and my sister told me I wasnt God wouldnt do that .I didnt understand then and At times I still dont .To me this should have never happen .
I pray we can all find peace some day,
Fishing sound good.Enjoy yourself!
Love you Caroline
Ginger, you don\'t deserve this! None of us do! We have to face a reality that is not of our chosing. We can\'t give up no matter how much we might want to at times. Adam needs you (and so do we)! The fishing trip may bring unexpected joy. Try to be open to that possibility. We will live in a shadow for the rest of our lives, but just as some flowers have learned to bloom in the shade we too must learn how to find what happiness there is in this shadow. Love and hugs forever, Cyn