FUNKED UP!

I am so sad and depressed.  I went to counseling today.  I was supposed to have EMDR but we just talked, instead.  That was ok with me.  I cried a lot.  Seems the longer Scott is gone the more I miss him.  The special events have been tough but it is the daily, little stuff, I miss the most.  Even when we were going through the worst with his addiction I still had hope.  Now, hope is gone.  The fact that he didn't mean to die makes it even harder, I think, for me.  Of course, I can't compare to anyone else or myself.  He didn't want to die.  I know that.  He was looking forward to many things.  He just had one more court issue.  He was planning on going to a Community College in the fall.  He had an application for an apartment.  He was going to get his license back.  He had long term plans of marriage, home ownership, a family, etc.  We talked about these things all the time.  Just one too many of some damned pill!!!!!  His stupid mistake.  My stupid mistake for saying, Saturday, he was going back in rehab on Monday, and then having him die on Sunday!  God, if I could only go back!!!  It has truly been making me sick to my stomach!  Even more than usual.  I don't know how to keep doing this.  I just don't care about anything except my family.  If it weren't for them I wouldn't keep on keeping on.  Take the tonadoes and bad weather....do they get me?  Nooooo!  They just jump ahead.  What in the world did any of us do to deserve this pain?  A friend sent me an email and one part said, "Don't cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened."  I think this is good advice.  I need to find the smile because Scott happened and not cry because it is over.  But, dammit, I want it all!  I want him & I know that is just not going to happen.  Okay, enough!  I am going to go fishing with Adam as soon as I get my fishing license and there is a nice day without flooded lakes/rivers.  He will have to bait my hook.  My counselor thinks it would be a good idea to really try to bond even more with Adam since he is still home.  It won't help with Scott being gone but it might help.  Adam and I are pretty close but we don't have much in common.  So, I can fish.  I even like it.  I just can't bait the hook.  YUCK!  I will be glad to spend some one-on-one with Adam.  Peaceful wishes to everyone reading and those who aren't.