fuck it
I stopped talking to my ex...I did good not to talk to him for 4 days. I felt like a hoe, talking to him and sexting him so much. He doesn't give a shit about me anyway, so I decided to not care. I didn't even cry those 4 days. it was hard, but I didn't call him. Then today, I started daydreaming about him and I was so horny. I decided that nothing matters anymore. Life will go on, and no matter what, I just need to keep living until my final moment on this earth. Whether I'm with my ex or not, nothing matters. I even decided to move on. Whether I'm single or not doesn't matter. Whether I'm abstinent or not doesn't matter. Whether I cheat, get cheated on, have an open relationship, or not does not matter. I decided, the next guy interested in me, I would open up to. I saw it, and was daydreaming about it. I even thought that maybe if a pretty girl is interested, I would test the waters and see if I like girls. I was watching porn and thinking about it, when I got a phone call. I looked down, I was shocked, and he could hear me smiling over the phone. We talked for over an hour...about an hour and 20 something minutes. He sent a text during the call, and I couldn't get it. I knew what it was...but I didn't know for sure. He got tired and started drifting off to sleep, so we hung up. Then I was able to get the message he sent, and it was a picture of his dick. So I told him I knew that was what he sent, and laughed. He asked me to send a pic of my toes and feet, and that's how the sexting started this time. Afterwards (and a little during), I was flooding with questions of whether or not he was with Kierra still, and if he only called because he was horny....we sometimes text how we want to meet up and "do stuff" for real, but he seemed like he really wanted to me to come to SC and mess around with him. But I would have to go to SC, and I couldn't stay at his parents house like I used to do (that's what he pretty much said 4 days ago)...but he has a girlfriend. I'm good enough to fuck, but not good enough to stay at your parents house, or for you to come to pick me up, or to date me.......I'm good enough to fuck, but I'm not good enough to love? To care about? I had so many questions, but only 2 were important to me, so I called. He didn't answer, so I texted. I told him I only called to ask 2 questions. Was he still with Kierra?And did he call me because he was horny? A while later, he texted back, saying he was sorry, he had fallen asleep....but the answer to both questions is yes.
So I was doing good to not call him. I still thought about him, and I still would check to see if he called or texted....but I never called him. And I was getting used to the idea of moving on from him. I held on to the thought that he is a liar, a cheater, and doesn't give a shit about me, and I was able to be ok with not having anything to do with him. Then he called, and I forgot everything. I'm ok now, but for a split second, I almost cried. I had hope that he called because he loved me and missed me. I had hope that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I had hoped that everything was going to be ok. Then I realized that he was only using me again. I'm easy to use. It's ok. I know he is using me. Part of me says that he isn't, and he is actually confused because deep inside, he is still in love with me...he tried hard to move on, and pushes his feelings for me away...he thinks he's lusting after me, and is over me....but in actuality, I'm the woman he wants to be with........this is what part of me (probably my heart) says. And that part of me is stupid. Yeah, there is a chance that he really isn't using me, and actually loves me....maybe he feels stuck, like he doesn't want to hurt Kierra how he hurt me....and he doesn't want to be another fucked up relationship for her...maybe in actuality, he isn't in love with her, her just pities her.......but there is a much more, real chance that he is just a fucking jack ass that is using me to get a nut. He probably thinks I'm easy, and keeps me arouns to "have fun."
Whatever the case, nothing matters. I'm still moving on, and whether Lionel comes back into my life or not, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not crying anymore. It's fucking over. I'm fucking pissed, yeah, but I'd rather be angry than sad. Sometimes I feel depressed, and msot of the time, I can distract myself. But whatever. I don't care anymore. It doesn't mat matters is me staying alive until I'm not.
I really hope I can live a happy, successful life from here on out, but even if I get hurt again...and over and over again....eve still, life will go on and I will be fine. Shit happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a fucked up world, and not everybody is happy all the time. Some good people get hurt, and some bad people gets everything. It's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes, and aint shit anybody can do about it. I hope good shit happens from now on, but who the fuck cares. Caring only makes the pain worse. So it's better not to. I will try to be open and shit, and be my best and shit...but all that love and shitaint happening. I can be in a relationship, be open, and be happy without love. So for as long as I can, I'm not caring. As long as I can help it, I wont love. From now on, I'm saving my tears for real pain...real cuts and bruises, and I'm not gonna give a shit about anything anymore. Ima live my life as best as I can, and try to be good, but whatever happens from now on, just fucking happens. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Just......fuck it. Shit.
So I was doing good to not call him. I still thought about him, and I still would check to see if he called or texted....but I never called him. And I was getting used to the idea of moving on from him. I held on to the thought that he is a liar, a cheater, and doesn't give a shit about me, and I was able to be ok with not having anything to do with him. Then he called, and I forgot everything. I'm ok now, but for a split second, I almost cried. I had hope that he called because he loved me and missed me. I had hope that he had broken up with his girlfriend. I had hoped that everything was going to be ok. Then I realized that he was only using me again. I'm easy to use. It's ok. I know he is using me. Part of me says that he isn't, and he is actually confused because deep inside, he is still in love with me...he tried hard to move on, and pushes his feelings for me away...he thinks he's lusting after me, and is over me....but in actuality, I'm the woman he wants to be with........this is what part of me (probably my heart) says. And that part of me is stupid. Yeah, there is a chance that he really isn't using me, and actually loves me....maybe he feels stuck, like he doesn't want to hurt Kierra how he hurt me....and he doesn't want to be another fucked up relationship for her...maybe in actuality, he isn't in love with her, her just pities her.......but there is a much more, real chance that he is just a fucking jack ass that is using me to get a nut. He probably thinks I'm easy, and keeps me arouns to "have fun."
Whatever the case, nothing matters. I'm still moving on, and whether Lionel comes back into my life or not, I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not crying anymore. It's fucking over. I'm fucking pissed, yeah, but I'd rather be angry than sad. Sometimes I feel depressed, and msot of the time, I can distract myself. But whatever. I don't care anymore. It doesn't mat matters is me staying alive until I'm not.
I really hope I can live a happy, successful life from here on out, but even if I get hurt again...and over and over again....eve still, life will go on and I will be fine. Shit happens, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a fucked up world, and not everybody is happy all the time. Some good people get hurt, and some bad people gets everything. It's just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes, and aint shit anybody can do about it. I hope good shit happens from now on, but who the fuck cares. Caring only makes the pain worse. So it's better not to. I will try to be open and shit, and be my best and shit...but all that love and shitaint happening. I can be in a relationship, be open, and be happy without love. So for as long as I can, I'm not caring. As long as I can help it, I wont love. From now on, I'm saving my tears for real pain...real cuts and bruises, and I'm not gonna give a shit about anything anymore. Ima live my life as best as I can, and try to be good, but whatever happens from now on, just fucking happens. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Just......fuck it. Shit.
Replies