fuck it

EVERTIME I just about feel I have some answers to my swings it fails me.  I am at work and all I can do is fantasize about walking out.  Where would I go, hum.  Home is depressing. Trips are too much work. Drinking sucks.  No where.  Just go sit in my car and suffer.  Call a DR and say 'check me in'.  Then I would feel more of a failure.  Everyone hates me, avoids me, is annoyed.  I have a dept meeting today and if I say anything I can just feel peoples' eyes roll.  They don't but I know it is true. I am alone.  It is true.  I withdraw more and more.  Confided in a real soul mate(found one at work, amazing) and chewed her ear off yesterday.  I feel ashamed to go talk today as it would just be more drepressing stuff and I fear it would drive her away.   RIP was never more true than it would be me, truly.  No I would not commit suicide.  I have family very important to me, more important than myself.  But I am the ball and chain around their lives.  I am sure they too wish they could close there eyes and I would not exist.   I have the best family,  money and the best job ever.  But kill me know.  When the old body chems suck it is all for nothing.  I am conrnered I have no place to go, no one, just pain.  I could swallow 2mg xanex and chill but it just returns.  I would sleep but then I wake up in a worse funk.   My meds are fine, there is just no solution.  I will ride the wave of BP forever, off into the surface of the sun after looping forever in the void of space, frozen, alone... but agitated as hell that I probably still have to do my taxes anyway ;P Really I am in pain but completely dead inside.  How can it be? FUCKKKKKKKKKK.    There is no help notfound(ever)404