FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT
This morning I woke up in a fantastic mood! Walked into my appt with Joanna with smiles and lots of energy. Well, that got shot down pretty quickly.
When I went in to see Joanna this morning, she started off by mentioning she spoke to both Jill and Dr Ceaser (my new psychiatrist who specializes in ED's whom I have seen 2x this week). Joanna said that both Jill and Dr Ceaser said that I should be admitted to the hospital immediately with my current status. Dr Ceaser said I should be hospitalized right away because I am anorexic (which I have never had that term/diagnosis...just Eating Disorder), I am mentally unstable, and physically unstable. Of course I disagree, but that is not the point. Joanna and I spent our entire session discussing food/weight/hospital etc. I do not want to go to the hospital and was trying to come up with anything and everything that will keep me out. So we made an agreement, well I kind of forced it upon her since she does not like doing that.
What I agreed to/created was that I will gain 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Basically I need to be at 110 for anything to work and for me to get anywhere in therapy. So that's 2 pounds a week, starting Monday. Monday I need to be at least 100 and then 2 pounds up from that each following monday. If I fail and do not meet a weight one week, I get a pass but the following week I need to gain 2 pounds + the amount I didn't get to that week. Then if I don't make it a second time I am going to the hospital. This is the only way to stay out of the hospital. I hope and pray I can do this. I don't want to but I don't want to go to the hospital. And at the very least it will at least buy me time before having to go in......IF I have to.
Joanna is afraid that making this is putting up to fail because she does not know if I can actually do it. But I want to try.This is going to be difficult, but it is better than going into the hospital and gaining a pound each day.
Oh and Dr Caeser will NOT put me on that other medication he mentioned yesterday because he doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that because of my current position. so we will see how things go.
This is my only option to stay out of the hospital. I am going to give it my all no matter how much it is going to fucking suck ass.
When I went in to see Joanna this morning, she started off by mentioning she spoke to both Jill and Dr Ceaser (my new psychiatrist who specializes in ED's whom I have seen 2x this week). Joanna said that both Jill and Dr Ceaser said that I should be admitted to the hospital immediately with my current status. Dr Ceaser said I should be hospitalized right away because I am anorexic (which I have never had that term/diagnosis...just Eating Disorder), I am mentally unstable, and physically unstable. Of course I disagree, but that is not the point. Joanna and I spent our entire session discussing food/weight/hospital etc. I do not want to go to the hospital and was trying to come up with anything and everything that will keep me out. So we made an agreement, well I kind of forced it upon her since she does not like doing that.
What I agreed to/created was that I will gain 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Basically I need to be at 110 for anything to work and for me to get anywhere in therapy. So that's 2 pounds a week, starting Monday. Monday I need to be at least 100 and then 2 pounds up from that each following monday. If I fail and do not meet a weight one week, I get a pass but the following week I need to gain 2 pounds + the amount I didn't get to that week. Then if I don't make it a second time I am going to the hospital. This is the only way to stay out of the hospital. I hope and pray I can do this. I don't want to but I don't want to go to the hospital. And at the very least it will at least buy me time before having to go in......IF I have to.
Joanna is afraid that making this is putting up to fail because she does not know if I can actually do it. But I want to try.This is going to be difficult, but it is better than going into the hospital and gaining a pound each day.
Oh and Dr Caeser will NOT put me on that other medication he mentioned yesterday because he doesn't feel comfortable doing any of that because of my current position. so we will see how things go.
This is my only option to stay out of the hospital. I am going to give it my all no matter how much it is going to fucking suck ass.
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