fuck it
EVERTIME I just about feel I have some answers to my swings it fails me. I am at work and all I can do is fantasize about walking out. Where would I go, hum. Home is depressing. Trips are too much work. Drinking sucks. No where. Just go sit in my car and suffer. Call a DR and say 'check me in'. Then I would feel more of a failure. Everyone hates me, avoids me, is annoyed. I have a dept meeting today and if I say anything I can just feel peoples' eyes roll. They don't but I know it is true. I am alone. It is true. I withdraw more and more. Confided in a real soul mate(found one at work, amazing) and chewed her ear off yesterday. I feel ashamed to go talk today as it would just be more drepressing stuff and I fear it would drive her away. RIP was never more true than it would be me, truly. No I would not commit suicide. I have family very important to me, more important than myself. But I am the ball and chain around their lives. I am sure they too wish they could close there eyes and I would not exist. I have the best family, money and the best job ever. But kill me know. When the old body chems suck it is all for nothing. I am conrnered I have no place to go, no one, just pain. I could swallow 2mg xanex and chill but it just returns. I would sleep but then I wake up in a worse funk. My meds are fine, there is just no solution. I will ride the wave of BP forever, off into the surface of the sun after looping forever in the void of space, frozen, alone... but agitated as hell that I probably still have to do my taxes anyway ;P Really I am in pain but completely dead inside. How can it be? FUCKKKKKKKKKK. There is no help notfound(ever)404
Replies
dear notfound, yes, we will ride the wave of bp forever, or not forever, for this life anyway....man if it had to be forever.....i would have split a long time ago...i take solace in the fact that though it seems long, this life is just temporary...you know. i like the story i read once about a sage who was living in an apartment in new yourk, A student came to visit him, and when he walked into his very bare room, which lay a futon, and a little table and a lamp, and a book...he said to the sage, \"why sir, where is all your \"stuff\"\", and the sage said to him, \"my son, where is all your stuff?\" and the young man replied, \"oh well most of my stuff is at home, this is just my bag of stuff, i\'m just passing through here\".....and the sage nodded his head and said, \"so am i son, so am I\"....anyway, i can\'t remember where i read this, but i will always remember it....we\'re just passing through.....you know....it\'s so simple..but so many times we forget....so, if we tormented bp\'s can just keep ourselves from going down to that really really utter darkness place, that i\'ve been before and don\'t want to go back.....if we can still have our downs, but and even our very very downs, or our very very very fkg downs, but don\'t go to that place that is the down void of all hope and light....then we are going to be ok., we can be there as much as we can for our families, and love them and reach out to the broken and wounded, and help others not go too that dreaded place...and we can all just pass through together...Anyway, i can\'t click this bloody space to see what i wrote,and if i am making sense, but anyway....i wish you peace not found....and i wish you hope....maybe we can all lean on eachother, when one is mamed, then the other holds him up...ect... we will get through this...also, i feel the same way about being the ball and chain around my kids lives, as you do about your family....but we are just struggling souls, and our families know this, and i know they love us, still....despite all the rockiness and unstability, and fear, and agitation, and weirdness....and impulsitivity and bad decisions, ......they do love us not found, and you know what, i think they need us too....so keep going towards the light...we will get there one day....but i\'m trying to learn to be here....just be here....(while i know in the back of my head i\'m just passing through!) We are......a big hug of peace to you notfound. love, maggie