Frustrated, wondering if I'm selfish
I haven't been on here on a while. We know know our only options are IVF, donor, or adoption. Our issue is my low progesterone, which is easily corrected with clomid, and my DH's low count. My DH has been worked up by our fertility specialist and a urologist that specializes in infertility. My DH is dead set on doing IVF. Issue is we do not have the money, my DH does not have a steady job since graduating from college in 2008 he's been doing contract jobs. I would love for us to be able to have a child and do IVF but there is only a 50% chance it's going to work. I do not know if I can mentally handle the financial burden and emotion if it does not work. My DH won't even consider doing a donor which is way more affordable, and more likely to work according to me RE. My DH says it's only money and that we can get a home equity loan and have his parents, my parents, and us, go in on the monthly payment and it would be doable. My mom and dad are being supportive but my mom keeps saying, "I just dont know why you dont do the donor". And that frustrates the shit outta me. Part of me feels horrible because I agree with her. I feel like I'm being cheap and selfish and I do not want to go through with all the hormones, shots, and anxiety that goes along with it. What is wrong with me!??? Any and all advice would be appreciated... tell me, if I'm being a selfish cheapo, or is he the one being selfish??? I am so confused, frustrated, and just plain done with all this shit!!!!!!!!!!! I know a lot of you have been through this. I just don't know how to feel. Need you guys now.
Replies
I\'m so sorry to hear about your struggles! You are NOT being selfish you are being realistic. There is no \" normal\" way to feel about all of this. You know I\'m dealing with the same issues with my dh\'s sperm count and had the same thoughts! Why not just do donor? Dh is also highly against it. I can also understand that your (and mine for that matter) dh wants his genes involved. The thought of the child not being biologically his is devastating. I can understand though that donor is cheaper and more of a chance at working. Can you do ivf and if it fails then try donor? This at least shows you\'re willing to take a chance for dh\'s DNA but that he\'s also agreeing to your plan b? Just a thought. If only money grew on trees. I hope you are able to work it out. Xoxo
I\'m sorry things are not easier. I can obviously see your point and also see where DH is coming from. This shit is tough. Noone should have to make these decisions. I say continue talking about it/praying about it until you 2 are on the same page. If you are not on the same page, the entire process will be more stressful. Thinking of you!
Neither of you are being selfish, or wrong. Just like all of us have our own paths, each relationship has it\'s own struggles. It\'s normal to not be on the same page, especially for your hubby to give us his DNA. BecMarie\'s idea of doing IVF first, then moving to donor is a great idea. Maybe that is how you meet in the middle?
As for costs, I can understand that completely. The hubby and I are saving up for it, and it\'s taking forever! I\'ve also flat out asked my company to cover it, so we are waiting for that answer too. We save a little at a time, and we plan to only go for IVF and any future rounds as we have the money saved (If my company wont cover it). But plenty of people get loans, since we can\'t just save forever and go forward with IVF in our 50s. It all depends on what are are comfortable with.
I hope you both work something out that you both are happy with. Thinking of you.
I don\'t think either if you are being selfish. That has to be such a hard decision. Thinking of you!
Thanks ladies. We are going forward with it and will talk to our families this weekend about help with the cost. He is on board with using a donor with IUI IF the 1st IVF does not work. Hoping it does!!!
Appreciate all the support.
I also get where both of you are coming from. You don\'t want to go through the emotional/mental upheaval of IVF if the likelihood of it working is low. It seems like going donor sperm would be much harder on men than using donor eggs is for women. I\'ve not been in that exact situation, but using donor eggs - the woman still basically builds and carries the baby. But donor sperm...that completely takes the man out of the equation. He has absolutely no part in creating that child. That would be a hard pill to swallow.
I\'m glad that you were able to reach a compromise and truly hope that your first IVF works!
Sorry to hear about your struggles. My DH and I are in the same situation as you and your DH. Glad to see you guys have come up with plan and are moving forward. I wish you the best of luck :)