Frustrated and Stuck

Everyday I wake up asking why am I here if I live to suffer so much? Everyone who knows me as changed since they found out I'm sick forever. I've gotten pity and people opening doors like I'm stupid and can't myself. I can't just go to therapy because I just don't trust therapists. It all started when I was 12 my brother molested me and I said nothing because I was too ashamed and didn't know how because being autistic made it hard to understand. I found out the hard way when my mom told me what sex was a little later in the year and I realized what was really happening to me. By the way my mom is a narcissist and can't see it. So a few years later my sister is in the mental hospital and says the same brother molested her. My mom takes me to a target parking lot to talk. She asks me about my brother and I admit he molested me also. Instead of believing me she blames me. That day I became her scapegoat and my brother who fake cried became the golden child. My mom threw me in sex therapy where I was forced to talk about the one thing I just wanted to forget over and over. Each time the therapist would try to get me to lie and say it was me. I was filled with so much guilt because I hadn't spoken up and someone got hurt. I thought somehow I must be to blame. Eventually I realized I would never be good enough and always be my mom's scapegoat. I became depressed and started to hate myself. Every year my mom found a way to remind me of what happened to me. she once asked if I wanted to have sex with my molester. How dare she after everything I felt. I started to act out sexually and when i wasn't I was trying to end my life or cutting myself. I felt worthless and angry. I stopped trusting my family and my parents because they were the problem. No matter how hard I tried I wasn't good enough. My mom too this day says she didn't lay a hand on me so she didn't abuse me. Technically she did hit me across the face once but that's not the point. Verbal and emotional abuse is real and it can leave scars others can't see. Well until I got PTSD which later turned into CPTSD but she still doesn't understand how I have it. I am a victim that was treated like the molester for years till I learned I was the problem. Everyone is to busy denying but I just can't forget or forgive someone who won't change. Iv'e even been threatened with defamation for telling my truth because that's what a narcissistt does when her reputation is on the line. sometimes I wonder am I really worth it still because of everything I was told enough times that I actually started to believe her.