Frustration

Things just seem to be strange, I take my meds everyday and nothing seems to work.  The urge to cut myself never seems to be far from my mind.  I want my life back I want to be happy and content without all the dark thoughts that come with depression and PTSD, I feel so alone my family is far away and the only person i have is my husband but he has no idea what i'm going through.  Usually my anxiety helps, making me clean my house or do something else that makes my mind go somewhere else like, how dirty my house is and how many ways i can clean it. I've been cutting myself since I was 14 and i thought it would get easier not to do the more skills i got to cope, but it seems to be my first gut reaction other than anything else.  My dreams are full of violence death and ugliness then i get up and see the news and can't seem to get away from violence or anything else.  I want a normal life I want a beautiful life, and right now I don't have that. Both my husband and I struggle with my depression and anxiety.   I'm exhausted most of the time, and i try to do my best to get through the day.  I am seeing a therapist and psychitrist and on some heavy meds that make me gain weight and feel sick to my stomach.