frozen in 'meaning'

I went to work today and then came home.
I was struggling with some forces within me that seemed to be

dragging me down into sadness while working along...I tried all sorts

of creative thinking to try and lift myself up in spirits and just get the job done - and then I made my way home.

As usual I've been thinking about my state of mind and what idea to follow outside of my immediate

responsibilities here at home. I find myself wanting to know what things mean before I even do them.

I become frozen in the immediate status and meaning of things - and don't feel so enthusiastic about battling into the unknown.

It's an interesting epiphany that I am having. I have noticed how others manage their lives - and now I too have insight

into my own mental framing and habit. I should focus on what I need to do (which I do).

What I need to do outside of work

is clean the house, as well, I went to the post office and stopped by the market to pick up a couple of things.

My siblings have been encouraging me to try a yoga class. I don't know why my heart just isn't in these pursuits.

I'm not beating myself up - but I notice that I really do...come to the edge of action - and then backdown.

You all have encouraged me not to beat myself up about my life (and I am not now.) I liked what Becky talked about - How God loves her as she is and that's a nice idea to think about. I think the quality of anhedonia - the side of my illness

that effects pleasure or the inability to feel it, is something to talk to my Doctors about. I feel mostly pain and sadness

and now I am totally bothering myself by thinking and writing too much about this crap.

When I walked out the door this morning.. I felt a tiny voice within saying "You're the only one who sees the world this way." I don't know if it was intending me to feel even more alienated or if it was a sign to embrace my 'individual.'

Anyways, I'll take the latter.