From whereth doth the clouds come?
One can always learn new things about oneself, can't one? DS has a way of conveying moods...green happy faces...yellow ok faces, and red sad faces. This is, of course, laughably over-simplified ways expressing our true emotions, but for the most part, they seem to do the trick. But when one becomes emotionally detached, as I have, they are not nearly sufficient. I am slowly emerging from several months of "fog"...a state that feels largely non-emotional, but is described by my doctors as exhibiting very clear symptoms of depression. And yet, I do still experience what I consider to be "genuine" depression. The blue/black mood. Frowns. Sadness. Rainclouds. All that. So clearly depression comes in many forms. Is my sadness at times hiding under the layers of fog? Yet, there are times when I feel happy and foggy, and other times when I feel sad and foggy. I can't really say that I see a strong correlation here. So there is another aspect of myself that I wish to start tracking...this "fogginess" factor. Rather then merely tracking two dimensions (mood vs time), I would like to start tracking THREE dimensions (mood, fogginess, and time). Graphing this relationship should be very interesting. Despite what the doctors say, I am not entirely convinced that my foggy states are just depression in disguise...they seem to come and go on a different time scale entirely. So, how would I describe myself today? Mostly cloudy in the morning, with a partial clearing this afternoon. I'd say maybe a 70% cloud cover this morning and only 40% now. Emotionally, I've been a neutal yellow "OK" for most of the day, with occassional bursts of happy. So, if the fog isn't tied to emotion, what IS it tied to? Real weather? Sleep? Eating habits? Lunar cycles? What the hell causes it? Why am I just coming back to myself now? How do I prevent myself from getting lost again? Just some imponderables to ponder. Be safe, everyone. Thank you, and lots of love. Alphonsus