From surviving to living?
While Colleen was still alive, my life had meaning and purpose. Now I battle to get out of this deep hole of depression. I have decided to honor Colleen's life through my way of living, but I'm still stuck in trying to survive. Will I ever get to the "living" part?
When I wake up each morning, the first thing in my mind is the fact that I am alone, although I live with young people around me. I have managed to wear my "I am fine" mask very well and convincingly. But deep inside I am still dead. Lately I am questioning whether the signs I get from Colleen, are really coming from her. Also the star I chose as "our star", seems a bit senseless to me now. My son suggested that I find a small job, so that I can start interacting with people again, but I have no wish to be any part of the big world again.
I guess that one has to get through surviving completely, before one can start to live again. I am just not interested in really living ever again!
When I wake up each morning, the first thing in my mind is the fact that I am alone, although I live with young people around me. I have managed to wear my "I am fine" mask very well and convincingly. But deep inside I am still dead. Lately I am questioning whether the signs I get from Colleen, are really coming from her. Also the star I chose as "our star", seems a bit senseless to me now. My son suggested that I find a small job, so that I can start interacting with people again, but I have no wish to be any part of the big world again.
I guess that one has to get through surviving completely, before one can start to live again. I am just not interested in really living ever again!
Replies
Hearing and feeling your heart dearest Andelene... This is a path we have been thrust upon and there is no timeline. You are doing your best and that is enough for now.
For me, living began to truly enter into my BEing around the third year. Before that time I was going through the \"motions\" and doing what I needed to do, yet the \"stuck\" part was truly a time of cocooning and not being stuck at all. It was needed as the world just felt too harsh to truly enter into.
Do not question those signs and winks from your daughter. It matters not if they are from her or not for if they bring a moment of peace their purpose is for naught. My granddaughter, Haven reminds me often that some feathers are a hello from Douglas and some are \"just from birds.\" This brings a smile because each and every one of them is from my son to me as that is what I need for now.
It may change in time just as your star might, yet in this moment I hope you find comfort in the star you share with your Colleen.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other as you are and seizing those pockets full of peace when and if they come and know that where you are on this path today is where you need to BE. None of it can be \"hurried\" or \"fast forwarded\" through as I\'m sure each of us has tried to do from time to time and think back now for a moment as to all of the steps that you have taken to be where you are today.
Gentle care as you find your way and please know that you are not alone on this often times lonely path. I don\'t think there is a mother on this site that does not question their purpose and how to begin living again. Somehow it just happens with continuing to take those steps one day, one breath and trusting that healing is happening even when you doubt it the most... It is...
With you, understanding and CARING!
XO Joanie
I know exactly how you feel. I was there for a long, long time. At first, in the first year, I was afraid, all the time; I needed Xanax every day. I had no purpose. Further, I blamed myself and thought I must have done something, maybe in pregnancy, to cause this horrible complex mental illness she suffered. At the time, I had a psychiatrist and two therapists. I am now down to one therapist, the best one.
Who am I? Who was I before she left me? My problem is intrusive thoughts, I have been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder and am intolerant of the drugs to treat it. So I do it behaviorally, and this takes a lot of time, a lot of repetition, a lot of conscious decision making. It is not desensitization: in the world of behaviorism, there really is no such thing. It is counter conditioning, and it must be done persistently, consistently, with one part of your mind working on YOU and the other part dealing with the emotional responses that you want to extinguish or minimize.
I am almost to 3-1/2 years. Who am I? I am, apparently (according to many, many others) a \"special woman\". To myself, well, frankly, I\'m a mess. What am I becoming? A woman whose greatest weakness is evolving into her greatest strength; a woman who can help others, and who has saved lives while doing it; a woman who now understands that LIFE IS OUT THERE.....not \"in here\" where I wanted to hide, where I did hide, for quite a while. I take English riding lessons and am doing very well. I travel (at first it was extremely difficult, now it is a joy); I give something of myself to every person I meet every day, it is a conscious decision: be comforting, compliment people, uplift them, tell them what\'s wonderful about them, leave them feeling good about themselves. I am able to do that about 75% of the time now.
How did I get here? Very hard work, very conscious decision making, very careful analysis of self under the guidance of a truly gifted grief counselor who has 35 years of experience treating parents of children, no matter their age, who have left this world, either by illness or suicide (mental illness).
Where will I be in one year? I don\'t know. I don\'t care. Right now, I have today. It\'s all I have. I choose not to spend the rest of my life in horrible grief, paralyzed, self condemnatory: no, refuse to do that. If I am to stay alive, AND I MUST, then I must embrace whatever life God has in store for me and do my VERY BEST every day, just as I did my very best every day for my daughter (even though there were many days over 23 years where my \"very best\" fell short of the other days\' \"very best\").
Time. Conscious work. A good therapist. YOU ARE WHOM GOD MADE YOU TO BE and you will grow, but you have to give it time.
The first summer after April left me (and this place), I was sitting in the pew of my Church, talking to God, asking Him \"HOW DO I GO ON\", and I got an answer: the \"still, small voice\" that said quite loudly to my mind \"WILL YOU GIVE ME TIME\". My answer was YES.
Say YES to God.
I wish I could be there to give you a hug and cry with you.
Like Joanie, I really didn\'t feel like life had meaning for about 3 years. I put on the mask - so I wouldn\'t upset everyone. It did help to get out with people but I was not very productive at work and I canceled a lot of appointments. I couldn\'t think straight. Meaning was gone from my life it seemed. My plans for the future, my aging etc were planned - with Lisa.
Slowly but surely, life does begin to make sense and be worth living. I needed help. I do take antidepressants. They don\'t take away the sadness. I still cry. But life is worth living. I now find it helpful to do things for others. My way is being on a community committee whose objective is to improve the lives of people in our area. Being in the center of the city, we have the poorest of the poor, to the richest of the rich around us. We hope to promote understanding.
I am off on a tangent. What I am saying is that in time you will find something that works for you.
But the big issue now is the severe depression you describe. Please try to get help. Have you tried counseling? It works for many people. As I said, antidepressants help me - I have suffered depression on and off for many years so I know what works for me. If there is a compassionate friends group, perhaps it would help.
And it is important to feel the feelings and get them out. I found that the pressure would build up and I just needed to cry and scream and punch things.
In the meantime, one foot in front of the other; one day at a time. We are here for you.
Love and caring hugs,
Marlene
I believe they are winks from Colleen. I get winks from Lisa, usually when I am least expecting them.
Take off the mask...grieve openly, let it out.
Andelene, at almost 5 years now since Ed left for Heaven I can say I am healing. I find I can find joy in the small things while at the same time miss my son desperately.
I do take an antidepressant and it helps me to function at work but I just didn\'t see my life taking this turn 5 years ago. This is a difficult journey but over time i have found comfort in certain activities that I feel honor my son.
My grief counselor taught me to embrace the signs so I just enjoy them without question. Why can\'t we grab a few moments of comfort? I think we deserve it. I wish you healing and peace. Love to you and Colleen, Linda
Dearest Andelene: I have been feeling the same way.....and I do wear a mask everyday. This is the hardest journey I have ever been on. All I can say is hand in hand, heart to heart I am here for you. Slow deep breathe....one moment at a time. Much love to you and your dearest Colleen.