Frizzy Hair and Lactose Intolerance

Have I mentioned I am starting a new job tomorrow??? Hmmm...yeah, I know...still obsessing. Since I have been practically homebound the past seven months, I am worrying over details I was able to forget for a while...little things...like my hair. How should I wear my hair the first day of school...I mean work. I had to wear my hair either short or up for nearly 15 years. I am not cutting my hair...will see how the days go, I might have to wear it up to deal with this swampy Florida heat. Soooo, straight or curly??? My hair is naturally straight and the humidity usually attaches to any curl and drags it down. On the other hand, wearing it straight shows how damaged it is. It frizzes and the split ends stick out like static electricity. Why am I worrying about such a thing??? Maybe it's a distraction, natures way of keeping my mind off the important, and scary, things. If I fret over my hair I am not thinking that it has been 7 months since I lost my baby, the worst day of my life.
There were many months I wouldn't even drive. I had random panic attacks and breakdowns, it wasn't safe, for me or the other drivers on the road. Eventually I started driving a little, as long as someone was with me and the radio was turned off. Music is so important to me and so important to Cassi. I was a teenager in the 80's, so I am partial to the music of that era. When Cassi was born I would sing love songs to her, changing the words around. I have satellite radio, so I desperately had to stay away from the 80's on 8...a little at a time, I came around. Safely at home I searched my favorite songs on YouTube...cried a million tears. I knew I had to desensitize myself, as much as possible. The 90's...my favorite decade, so far...Cassi was born in 1991. I was only 20 years old, so we got to discover a decade of music together, and we had the same tastes...everything from Nirvana to the Spice Girls, to TLC...Alannis Morrissette...Seal...an awesome decade of music to be the soundtrack of the first 10 years of Cassi's life. I really miss the halcyon days of the 90's...before 9/11...life was so sweet and simple but I don't think we truly appreciated it. Only in retrospect can I see how special it was.
So now, I am driving myself, dressing in normal clothing...still crying every night, but I have come a long way. Long enough to embark on the journey I am planning to begin tomorrow??? I have no idea...I don't think I feel ready...yet I don't want to get "stuck"...I have to push my limits, step out of my comfort zone...either it will work or it won't. At least I will know I have tried. I learned a very hard lesson this year...you can plan things out but you still might have the rug pulled out from under you. Sometimes you have to make new plans...my only child, the love of my life, in fact, my life...wow, it's still hard to say the words, type the words...my only child, beautiful, troubled, tormented...left. I can say that. She left. So no grandchild for me...no more working a job I hate to pay for graduate school. No more texting the only human being that truly "gets" me, no more arguing about, well, all the stupid little things we argued about. It happened so quickly, coming to terms with it...well I am sure that will take a lifetime.
I knew early on, if I was to survive I would have to find work that fulfilled my need to help people with mental disorders. I tried very hard, but I couldn't save my baby...I will do anything and everything to save another mother's baby. No matter how nervous I am, how scared I am...I owe it to Cassi.
Sooo, about the Lactose Intolerance, time for comic relief...and I will do a lot of things for a laugh. I don't drink regular milk, cow's milk. I feel it was designed by nature for calves...to fatten them up into heifers...and I am not a calf. It just makes me feel icky...so I drink Soy milk, Almond milk, Coconut Milk, Rice milk...Friday, needing some comfort food, I sent Steve out for pizza and ice cream. Over this long weekend I have devoured the ice cream...all of it. The think is, late Friday night I discovered that I have developed lactose intolerance. It wasn't fun...but I kept eating it anyway...a few runs to the bathroom, pretty disgusting...but I WAS NOT A QUITTER...I pushed on...ate the entire container...finished it today and my tummy is making some really weird sounds. Surely this will be over by tomorrow, right??? Wow, I hope so...or maybe the term "scared shitless" will be both literal and rhetorical...sigh...
Friends, Family, Sister Mamas, send me some love tomorrow...text me, a lot, and check on me. I need you. This is a pivotal point in my life. It might not sound very important to most people, but truly it's a giant leap of faith...and I've got some faith...just gotta work on my fears, my insecurities, my low self-esteem. To do the best job possible, I need to be the best ME possible. I love you guys, you know who you are. You have enveloped me in love an soft comfort like a baby bird...ugly, demanding, angry and sad...you have loved me anyway and you have taught me how to love the new moms coming into our groups...I've got it down pat, the first contact..."I am so sorry you are here but so happy you found us"...sounds good, right??? I mean, as good as possible considering the situation. So it is time to spread my wings and see if I can fly??? I don't know, but I hope so...I will do my very best in honor of Cassi, my Cassi. If not tomorrow, then maybe in another few months I will try again...but I want it to work...I want to meet people I can help...I want to tell my story...
So, not used to getting up early, so I am sure I won't be on here in the morning. It's kind of another thing that bothers me. I want to be available when a sister needs help. A workday is going to take a lot of time away from that...and my babies, my dogs. They are used to having Mommy home all the time. Their expressive, beautiful brown eyes look so hurt, even when I just go out to the garage!!! 
Okay...time to take sleepytime medications and decide on what I will wear tomorrow...My hair is still taunting me...we shall meet on the battlefield very early in the morning. I won't win, I never win, the hair always does what it want's...but I try...lol
Love you all!!