Frigging head games

  The past couple of days my head has been playing a lot on me. I felt so bad about that shit that happened the other day at the place I was working at, and my head was just thinking all the worst. Questioning everything about myself, fears of having no money again, predicting what people were saying, and thinking about me. Oh yea, my head can really have a field day when my defences are low, and those emotions are riled up. Of course nothing was happening, outside of my head. When I'm doing things right with recovery, I can handle it much better, but for the last while I haven't been around recovery. I got back to meetings yesterday because I know if that goes on too long, I can really get into a negative, hopeless head space that can really get me down, and that can lead me to really hard times. I didn't want to phone the lady I was doing the work for because I didn't want to bother her. She said she would phone me around Thursday, and when she didn't that only seemed to confirm my fears, and thoughts. But it was just in my head. I finally phoned Jordie today to see if things were alright. I told him my head was just playing with me. I didn't get into it too much with him. He's not in recovery, and I didn't want him to think I was some nut. Glad I did phone him tho. Felt much better after. He said everything was fine, and that the lady has just been busy with things. Imagine that, other people have other things to do than just worry about the painter, and everything is not all about me. Geeze! Anyway, she phoned shortly after and said that she has been busy with things. She said she's completly happy with my work. She has some other workers in there now doing the construction work, so the place is upside down. She said she would get me in there next week, or the week after to finish the painting, when the others are finished. Whew! What a relief. I feel a hundred pounds lighter, and much better. Boy, the power of our minds can be incredible. I am so happy to have that put at ease. Feel a little silly now, but hopefully this all will help me in the future when things don't go the way I would like. I don't want to wonder away from recovery no more. It helps me to live a lot more sanely. I can make things so hard on myself, when I'm on my own doing all my thinking. Being back in the meeting rooms feels like being at home. It really does. As soon as I go in I feel this nice warm peace come over me. All the peoples smiles, hand shakes and shaking hands just feels so good after being away. I can really make things hard on myself. People always tell me, "Go back to the meetings." And I always come up with some foolish excuse for not going. If I just keep going, things just go a hell of a lot better. Frigging stuborn or what. Oh well, I'm back and I'm happy right now. Thank you Lord, and thank you Amy. Felt so good that I gave my cats a treat. Gave them a can of tuna. They just loved it, especially Jimmy. Jimmy is right there anytime she hears me getting there food. Jets just polite and waits, but Jimmy gets so excited. She loves her food. I was looking on line today about Windsor, On. I started thinking that it might be a good idea to go there and start out fresh again. I know that geographical changes aren't the answer to solve your problems, but sometimes it can help. Kitchener has always felt like a dead end. Doesn't seem to be any real good jobs, but I think it's probably that way all over because of the economy. It's all so differant than before. I always seemed to have great luck with jobs, almost anytime, but it seems to really be getting tougher, and tougher. Most jobs want you to have a drivers licence, and almost everyone wants a criminal record check. Even today I was looking at a posting for jobs in the oil fields in Windsor, and they want a criminal record abstract. Criminal records really make things very difficcult now. Never seemed to be a real problem for me before, but not now. Even to volunteer here in soup kitchens they ask for a criminal record check. just to help serve food, and wipe tables. Yea, it's really getting bad. That stuff can really get me down and discouraged. I have a lot of things against me, and it really minimizes the options that are available. Makes you work a hell of a lot harder than the average person, I'll tell you that. I actually do pretty good. I know I have my ups and downs, but I make by pretty good. I always get by somehow, and don't go without much. Thank the Lord for that. Wish things were like the old days. Sure it was still tough, life always is, but you seemed to have a lot more hope about things. People weren't so greedy, and you knew as long as you worked hard you could get things and not always so worried and insecure about everything. You could manage to get married, and provide for your family. My father never got payed much, but still he was able to provide for us. He managed to always have a house for us, and clothes and food. We had a lot of hand me downs, but that was never a bad thing. You were happy to get them. We never had expensive steaks, but we had good old fashioned full meals three times a day. We sat together for our meals, and everybody watched one T.V. God, I'm so thankfull for those memories. Seemed like that was when a family really did plain family stuff. I remember sometimes sitting in the living room, and playing I spy with my little eye, and it was fun. Feel so bad that most kids today will never have those experiances. Simple things were fun. We didn't need computers, or x-boxes, never even imagined anything like that. After dinner all the kids on the street would play things like hideango seek. We made our fun with whatever there was around. I never see kids play on the streets around here, and the ones that are out at night you have to watch out for because their usually into something or other. I'de give anything for those days again. People cared back then. They helped each other out whenever they could. Hell, if you need help now, people just keep on walking by. Oh well, enough of that. It is what it is. Yes, I feel a lot better. Missed the meeting tonight at Cory's house. I was on the computer, and before I realized it was past the time. i'll have to phone him, and make plans for next week. Went out for a walk tonight. A friend suggested I do that, so I did. It was so nice out too. I have been spending a lot of time inside, so it was good. I walked over to the Sobriety Center. Sue was there, so I had a coffee and shot the shit with her. Such a differant atmosphere there. Sue's really not that bad. I hardley ever felt like talking to her for a long time, and used to avoid going there because she was there. a long time ago I, when I was working there I came across some porn in the history of her computer, and I just labelled her as a jerk, but I don't think that's right to do. We all have our faults. I sure do, and I really shouldn't be thinking I'm better than someone. I don't like it when people do it with me, so I pushed it aside tonight and went in. She really is a nice person in ways. Likes to joke and laugh. I actually enjoyed it there. Just having coffee and shooting the shit. I got thinking, since it's so close to me, I could do it more often. Some of the canvasers came in. There were a little older, and I sensed that they were drinkers. They talked just about the same as Carlo's, Dan, and Scott the other night. All of them yaking at the same time, and not letting the other finish speaking, and not seeming to hear, or listen to anything each other was saying. Kinda anoying, but I guess that's a trait that is the cause of most drinkers fights. It's funny how all of a sudden I seem to be noticing it more now. One lady seemed all right. We got talking about when I was working there, and about recovery. She seemed like she really was interested, and I suppose had been struggling with it also. It was hard to talk tho with the one guy butting in every so often with his limited views about recovery. They were interesting tho. I seen on King St. that they have the road closed for something that's going on tomorrow. They were setting up all these canopies along the street. Looks like something to do with the Farmers market. Kinda nice and quiet for a change. No hookers out there tonight. Went to Oasis and had some dinner there. I like going there sometimes just to get out and be around some people. A lot of them are street people, and Oasis helps them out by providing a meal during week nights. They also give out a little donations, and try to help people. So all in all, not a bad day. Started out feeling bad, but I feel good now. I'm pretty content right now, and happier knowing that things are all right with the place I was working at. Thank you so much Lord, thank you for getting me back to meetings, and all the other things today.