Friendships

Day 41 of 365 - Man Break
 
Today I just can't put my finger on what's wrong with me.  I have been so down lately.  I guess not completely down just dissatisfied.  Everyone seems to be pissing me off.  I wonder if there are any nice and normal people out there.  And I'm not even talking about men this time.  I'm trying to form more friendships with women because I don't want to have some sort of social interaction but it seems like everyone is just disappointing.
 
There was this one girl that I met at my dance class and everything was cool at first.  We started having lunch together and went out on the weekends sometimes.  But she was like a pretty package because when I started unwrapping it, it wasn't as nice on the inside.  There was one day I called her upset about something thinking she might be supportive she listened for about 10 minutes and then said she had to go.  She started being late for some of our lunches.  She would say she wanted to go out and I would arrange everything with my kids and then she couldn't go.  She was competitive and always wanted to know what I was going to wear when we went out and never had ideas of her own.  She wasn't anything like I thought.  At first she was a single Mom like me then she got a boyfriend and moved in with him within months.  She was working then quit her job to take another job and then quit that and now she's not working at all.  It's almost like that was her plan when she moved in with her boyfriend.  She never spends time with her kids.  She is just NOTHING like I thought she was and now I'm not sure what to do.  She never talks to me on the phone just texts me when she wants to do something or wants to know what I'm going to wear.  It seems like an empty friendship. 
 
I really miss having a girlfriend.  Someone you can laugh with and share with and who reciprocates.  I haven't had a really GOOD friend in ages.  I wonder what I am doing wrong?
 
There are some other women in my hip hop class that I am getting closer to and they seem really supportive but as for someone who I could say is my best friend that is just not happening:(

Replies

AgentSmith
AgentSmith

I know how you feel. I really have no local friends. That\'s a reality I\'ve had to admit to myself recently. I\'ve never had female friends, except online. I grew up close to a male cousin, and then always had male friends. I was always the tom boy, so it made sense for me to have male friends. But since this healing journey began, it is difficult to have male friends. They usually want more than friendship and leave either A. when they realize they aren\'t gonna get it, or B. when they find someone else and I never hear from them again. The people that I thought where my friends locally, I realize were never friends. I have one that works in the same bldg as me, for awhile there I thought he was my best friend. He moved right around the corner from me and I got so excited that I\'d finally have a friend close by. I was the only one that helped him move into his new place. None of his other \"friends\" would answer the phone that day (go figure). I invited him out to dinner all the time. Now I find out he\'s going out to dinner all the time alone, and doesn\'t even invite me. I\'m literally walking distance from his place. It\'s ridiculous. When my great grandma died a couple months ago, and I was very depressed. I didn\'t hear from any of my \"friends\" at all for over a week. Not one person reached out to me, and they all knew. That\'s when I realized they were never friends and I have to let them go and find some real friends. They are so hard to come by. I am such a recluse now. I just spend time w/ my dogs and work on my house. I so wish all of us on DS lived nearby. I would love to have friends like you IRL.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

I know how you feel. I really have no local friends. That\'s a reality I\'ve had to admit to myself recently. I\'ve never had female friends, except online. I grew up close to a male cousin, and then always had male friends. I was always the tom boy, so it made sense for me to have male friends. But since this healing journey began, it is difficult to have male friends. They usually want more than friendship and leave either A. when they realize they aren\'t gonna get it, or B. when they find someone else and I never hear from them again. The people that I thought where my friends locally, I realize were never friends. I have one that works in the same bldg as me, for awhile there I thought he was my best friend. He moved right around the corner from me and I got so excited that I\'d finally have a friend close by. I was the only one that helped him move into his new place. None of his other \"friends\" would answer the phone that day (go figure). I invited him out to dinner all the time. Now I find out he\'s going out to dinner all the time alone, and doesn\'t even invite me. I\'m literally walking distance from his place. It\'s ridiculous. When my great grandma died a couple months ago, and I was very depressed. I didn\'t hear from any of my \"friends\" at all for over a week. Not one person reached out to me, and they all knew. That\'s when I realized they were never friends and I have to let them go and find some real friends. They are so hard to come by. I am such a recluse now. I just spend time w/ my dogs and work on my house. I so wish all of us on DS lived nearby. I would love to have friends like you IRL.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

I know how you feel. I really have no local friends. That\'s a reality I\'ve had to admit to myself recently. I\'ve never had female friends, except online. I grew up close to a male cousin, and then always had male friends. I was always the tom boy, so it made sense for me to have male friends. But since this healing journey began, it is difficult to have male friends. They usually want more than friendship and leave either A. when they realize they aren\'t gonna get it, or B. when they find someone else and I never hear from them again. The people that I thought where my friends locally, I realize were never friends. I have one that works in the same bldg as me, for awhile there I thought he was my best friend. He moved right around the corner from me and I got so excited that I\'d finally have a friend close by. I was the only one that helped him move into his new place. None of his other \"friends\" would answer the phone that day (go figure). I invited him out to dinner all the time. Now I find out he\'s going out to dinner all the time alone, and doesn\'t even invite me. I\'m literally walking distance from his place. It\'s ridiculous. When my great grandma died a couple months ago, and I was very depressed. I didn\'t hear from any of my \"friends\" at all for over a week. Not one person reached out to me, and they all knew. That\'s when I realized they were never friends and I have to let them go and find some real friends. They are so hard to come by. I am such a recluse now. I just spend time w/ my dogs and work on my house. I so wish all of us on DS lived nearby. I would love to have friends like you IRL.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

I promise I only hit the button once. This site is messed up.
arat38
arat38

hahahahahaha....thanks for the support AgentSmith. I know it\'s better to have no friends than crappy ones but I feel like a recluse like you. And I definitely hear you about male friends. I tried that route too and they did exactly what you said. They either want you even though they say they are just your friend then try to hit on you all the time or disappear when they find someone new. Even girls do that. As soon as they are dating someone you are the person they call when he is busy. I hate it. I\'m so proactive about self-help but it just isn\'t easy making new friends when you are all grown up:)
pageo
pageo

Arat, I think i am about 50% of what you describe as a recluse. After I dug my self out of unhealthy relationships w/ men and even others I was by my self.

I have gone through a lot of GF\'s in the past 4 years. Most of which have now turned into acquaintances. I used to think ... what am I doing wrong? just as you do.

Then I came to a point where I thought... I am not wrong. I am not doing any thing wrong. I stopped blaming myself and started writing down what I want in a friendship(s).

What has happened is that I realize that it takes time to create healthy connections. Their are tons of unhealthy people out there and when I decided to get healthy it cuts me out of a larger picture which means it will take more time.

I take that time now - do not settle, do not compromise my values and often enough sit with a craving.

Another thing I tend to do now is to appreciate the little things. Simply conversations with passer byers.

If i have a nice conversation with some one , which i often do, I enjoy. If something comes of it great. Thing is, I know that focusing on one person or even a couple for the friendship I need and want is useless. It seems that the old saying applies that right when one is not looking that is when it happens.

This seems to be more true then not. When I am together and centered in myself and not looking to center with another then I attract more people. I am being me instead of a need or craving.

don\'t get me wrong... I do at times really want to be laughing and having fun with a friend. I love connecting and sharing but when I am not it doesn\'t mean something is wrong. It means I learn to that being alone is real and it is OK.

After that I learn to function communicate with people in a way that isn\'t about me needing them to make my day. I have been learning how to make my own day . A perfectly fine lesson in life and one that helps me to grow.

Growing doesn\'t feel good in fact it hurts. I no longer avoid the pain of it. I just work with it knowing I am a growing human being.

I am well rehearsed in the fact that women ditch their gf for a guy and that right there is a clear message that the person is not ready for the relationship I am looking for. They are still co dependent. I have experienced quite a few women just dropping off because of the next person or BF. this is just a wheel of self deception that one either chooses to step off of and explore further or just live the rest of their life seeking for another to provide for them. Getting know self is a life time experience. it comes right when we do not want it and it can and does hurt. ((((hugs))) from a cyber friend... I really do hear you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

What I like about this journal entry is how aware you are of your feelings and what is going on in your life. Before I bet you would have been so distracted by relationships that you would not have even noticed all of this. Good job processing and being clear on what you want and need in your world.
arat38
arat38

Reading everyone\'s words over and over...going through a rough patch and I\'m totally not believing in myself right now:(