Friendship

I hate not having a car and being able to drive myself places or just get out of the house. I have to go to my moms tonight and I will be stranded there until Sunday when she returns from Chicago. I know that it is going to be lonely and difficult to actually and that's probably why I am packing so much. I bout a vintage suitcase at an antique store in Denver and I love to use it. I hate that I have not structured friends, and the one friend that I did go out with now doesn't return my texts. Another friend that I wanted to have drinks with, she's about to go to China, and she is not returning my messages either. It feel depressing that all of these people who I thought were friends are not, and I suppose they never were.They were simply supplements during that time in my life. How should I feel or be taking this? It's not exactly normal for me. though, I do make and drop friends as soon as another turn in life comes. Sometimes I wish I could go back, but don't we all? Who wouldn't like to relive the happier times in their life? sometimes I just want to attempts suicide just to be hospitalized so I can shut myself out from the world. Though they don't want to talk to me anyway. I have been hospitalized four times in the past three years and each time the only people who cared, who visited, who called, who wrote was my family. It's depressing to have all of this pain and not one person even simply made a comment on facebook or email me. I don't expect anything, but if I had a friend in that position I would try to make things simple and comfortable for them.
 
It still makes me depressed that I am in this place in my life. Will things get better? How do I get better? what am I supposed to do? I am just sad. These meds make me slow. I am slow at getting my words out, I move slowly I am always tired and pulled down by gravity. The meds are tranquillizers and keep me from feeling anything. 
 
I wonder if I could find a friend on craigslist that might have the same kinda diagnosis as mine. I am going to look, because I really need a friend... someone.
 
Goodnight moon.