Friday night and Saturday
Worked myself into a tizz before heading home from work Friday night to face the unknown.
And came home to find he was in the 'I dont care' mood. Whatever I say, or ask is either ignored or given the response of 'I don't care", "do whatever you want'. Uggg like its all my fault.
Course that almost meant nothing was done, the house was a mess, so I cleaned up, did the dishes, got rid of the cat crap in the litter box, sorted our daughter out and then sat down on the couch to watch TV with him. I should have just gone off to my room it would have been more relaxing but I felt I needed to show him 'I cared and I want to work through this".
There were the few snide under the breath comments from his as well. At least this mood was ok. Well its not ok because it still messes with my head, but its better than his snap anger mood.
Woke up Sat morning and had a great morning with my daughter. I took her to the pool and to the library and then groceries. Got home by midday. Have a lot of fun with her when its just her and me, I can relax.
I tried to be attentive to H to say "hey I care I'm trying" (ug why do I bother), got the washing done, lunch made and then put our daughter to bed. A friend called to say the wood was ready to pick up and suggested H come down and started loading into the car to avoid the rain.
So I tell H this and he is sitting there playing his PS2. Doesn't say a word to me. So I have no idea what we are going to do and I'm not about to ask as I'd probably get a snarky answer.
Another 10mins later I offer to take over the game. I have gone off playing this game. I have to play it his way and how he says otherwise he gets all aggro and acuses me of not listening which means I dont care about this relationship. Wow he lets me take over and then he starts directing me on how to play to which I dont quite follow his exact instructions. So he gets aggro and next thing he's in the car and driving off.
Now if that were me and I did that ie just took off without a word, I would be paying for it. Just like I get told off for not letting him know I'm off to bed or running late at work or at a friends. But its ok for him.
Once he had gone though, I was like *big sigh*, relaxed a bit. It felt great. So I let my mind wander again........ this is what it would be like without him around. I whipped through the house work (its hard to do when he's around as I get told I dont make time for 'us' and the housework can wait, nevermind the fact he is home all day and should be doing it.), even sat down and chilled a bit.
Cooked tea that night (he cooks during the week because as he says, I worked and he didn't but I have to tell him what we are eating each night), stressed myself out trying to get it perfect because he is very picky about my cooking, and I had to manage having our daughter at my feet (during the week I entertain her out of his way). We eat, whew our daughter didn't cause a problem for him, and then I cleaned up. Thankfully he went back out to the garage and spent the night working on his next wood project. But I had to be careful, taking him a drink out there so I showed "I care".
I had an epiphany a while back, the reason he doesn't make any decisions, or why he points out things that need to be done (ie me to do) and why I have to arrange everything is so that he is never to blame. And he's right, he is never to blame. Thats why its always my fault.
I know I allow this to happen, but writing this all down will cement it because today I'm thinking hey we had a good couple of phone calls so its all good again. Hello, I just put my head in the sand again.
Running out of time journal, as I really need to offload Sunday nights episode. But that may have to wait till tomorrow. Reminder for me - threat knife or beat up; 2 hour lecture with threats
And came home to find he was in the 'I dont care' mood. Whatever I say, or ask is either ignored or given the response of 'I don't care", "do whatever you want'. Uggg like its all my fault.
Course that almost meant nothing was done, the house was a mess, so I cleaned up, did the dishes, got rid of the cat crap in the litter box, sorted our daughter out and then sat down on the couch to watch TV with him. I should have just gone off to my room it would have been more relaxing but I felt I needed to show him 'I cared and I want to work through this".
There were the few snide under the breath comments from his as well. At least this mood was ok. Well its not ok because it still messes with my head, but its better than his snap anger mood.
Woke up Sat morning and had a great morning with my daughter. I took her to the pool and to the library and then groceries. Got home by midday. Have a lot of fun with her when its just her and me, I can relax.
I tried to be attentive to H to say "hey I care I'm trying" (ug why do I bother), got the washing done, lunch made and then put our daughter to bed. A friend called to say the wood was ready to pick up and suggested H come down and started loading into the car to avoid the rain.
So I tell H this and he is sitting there playing his PS2. Doesn't say a word to me. So I have no idea what we are going to do and I'm not about to ask as I'd probably get a snarky answer.
Another 10mins later I offer to take over the game. I have gone off playing this game. I have to play it his way and how he says otherwise he gets all aggro and acuses me of not listening which means I dont care about this relationship. Wow he lets me take over and then he starts directing me on how to play to which I dont quite follow his exact instructions. So he gets aggro and next thing he's in the car and driving off.
Now if that were me and I did that ie just took off without a word, I would be paying for it. Just like I get told off for not letting him know I'm off to bed or running late at work or at a friends. But its ok for him.
Once he had gone though, I was like *big sigh*, relaxed a bit. It felt great. So I let my mind wander again........ this is what it would be like without him around. I whipped through the house work (its hard to do when he's around as I get told I dont make time for 'us' and the housework can wait, nevermind the fact he is home all day and should be doing it.), even sat down and chilled a bit.
Cooked tea that night (he cooks during the week because as he says, I worked and he didn't but I have to tell him what we are eating each night), stressed myself out trying to get it perfect because he is very picky about my cooking, and I had to manage having our daughter at my feet (during the week I entertain her out of his way). We eat, whew our daughter didn't cause a problem for him, and then I cleaned up. Thankfully he went back out to the garage and spent the night working on his next wood project. But I had to be careful, taking him a drink out there so I showed "I care".
I had an epiphany a while back, the reason he doesn't make any decisions, or why he points out things that need to be done (ie me to do) and why I have to arrange everything is so that he is never to blame. And he's right, he is never to blame. Thats why its always my fault.
I know I allow this to happen, but writing this all down will cement it because today I'm thinking hey we had a good couple of phone calls so its all good again. Hello, I just put my head in the sand again.
Running out of time journal, as I really need to offload Sunday nights episode. But that may have to wait till tomorrow. Reminder for me - threat knife or beat up; 2 hour lecture with threats
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