Friday
It is Friday again...which is nothing special to me because I don't work. I really think I need to get a job...a low stress job, just something to make me appreciate coming home and having days off. Even though I burned myself out when I went back to work the first year after I lost Cassi, and I was VERY stressed, I seemed to do better.
This was quite a challenging week. This whole time, I have been able to rely on my husband to be strong and this week I had to be the strong one. Thank God, I got him in to see our psychiatrist yesterday and they talked for 1 1/2 hours and he changed Steve's meds around a bit...said he was having manic episodes...put him on a low dose of Thorazine. He was terribly paranoid, jealous, possessive, even talking about making a will and arrangements. I was scared to death. He seems a bit better now. At least he is eating and sleeping. I told him when he needs me to be strong for him I can do it, and I can. I found out this week.
I also faced the "live or die" question when he was talking about how we could end it, go together. I realised I am not ready. Until it was put to me that way from an outside source, I didn't know. I can't speak for the future, but as for now, I still have some living to do, even if it is a sad life, there are happy moments. I want to be with Cassi, and someday I will, but probably not today.
I just need to get busy.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!!
Replies
Yes, we are stronger than we realize. It is only when we have to be strong, that we dare to take that huge step towards actually being strong! You are a brave lady, Gina! And yes, you definitely have a lot more living to do! For starters, you needs to do something to honor your beautiful Cassie's memory. Maybe you could find a low-stress job, something you'll enjoy doing, because you already proved to yourself that you are indeed stronger than you thought you were.
I'm so glad to hear that your husband got the help he needed! And with a strong woman by his side, life can only get better from now on..........one day at a time!
Warm hugs to you, Gina! xxx
I hear you Gina. It takes times like that to realize that we are tough broads. I realized it when Joe was in ICU. It also takes times like that to realize how precious life is. The thought of losing another loved one is as scary as Hell! My heart goes out to your husband and you.
I hope the change in meds helps. I think men are vulnerable because they don't express their feelings readily. Joe worries about me when I cry - I worry about him because he doesn't. And so it goes.
Love and tight hugs, M
Sometimes it can take these kinds of crisis situations to really let one know the inner strength and resources that they do have. I'm SO sorry that your husband has been going through such a hard time and am grateful that he is seeking the help that he needs.
I understand what you are saying about being with Cassi one day, just not today. I even have a light moment at times when I think about this because I can almost see and hear Douglas saying, "What in the heck are you doing here now??!!" Not making light of what you are describing, just sharing what comes in for me.
We are healing one nano second and moment at a time dearest Gina, and I have no doubt that a job will find you. Keep asking to be used in whatever way the Universe can use you and be prepared for what might come in. I use this affirmation carefully, LOL because I have had some pretty crazy stuff come my way. Just sayin...
Love to Cassi's mom from Douglas' mom today and always,
XO Joanie
Sending love to you and Steve. ♡
I am so glad that your husband was able to get help so quickly! I called to see my therapist again and I was given an appointment 7 weeks away.....I, too have had moments where I just don't want to be here - I'm tired.....seeing Hunter struggle, holidays aren't the same, etc. is so painful sometimes, I just don't want to deal with it anymore....but then I realize - by me not being here, people left would be affected and I couldn't bear that. SO - here we are - one second at a time, BEing, however that might be.
I say, don't work if you don't have to.....it's very difficult some days to maintain and be professional. It's therapeutic some days, but there are those days, I just want to be home. You'll find whatever it is you need to find! I'm hopeful.
Take care, Gina - (((((hugs)))) Vicki