Frenemy Part 4: all over the place
i miss her. I miss her and Im really really going to miss her son. i wish it didnt have to be this way. I wish she wasnt so fucking pigheaded. But she is. This isnt my fault. Thats not to say I havent made mistakes- Bc i have. But I tried my best to make good on it
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I wrote that last night. I woke up and I cant help but thinking how absolutely horrible this chick is. She's such a stuck up bitch. I was never able to feel anything with her. I wasnt allowed to be bothered by the things she said or did- ever. Additionally- all those times she was therE for me- she was just keeping score. Feeling the burden of my presence while at the same time assuring herself that she bought a license to sound frustrated and disgusted whenever I spoke of anything other than utter bliss. Then I bring it up to her and she acts like- how dare I ever hope for dIfferent? Like people like me just dont deserve different. Like people like me just dont deserve respect and to be spoken to kindly. Honestly- the phrase dumb child comes to mind to describe her view and treatment of me. Imagine yourself around one of those bad ass kids- one of those kids that seems to go out of his way to fuck with everyone- but really all he wants is attention. But they are still a child. And imagine a high socIety mom as being the parent of that child. So whenever she disciplined that child she tried her best not to show her disgust but some always leaked out. So that kid knew damn well that despite the love she proclaimed to have for him- he was a nuisance to her, he was an annoyance to her, he wasnt good enough to be accepted by her. Now imagine that kid is 30 years old. Im that kid. Chrissy is that high society mom. Im not a bad ass and Im not trying to fuck with people, on the contrary- I try SO hard to help people and to be there for people. But no matter what I do or say- she still views me as that dumb child. As that nuisance. As that annoyance. And since Im just a dumb child- I dont have the right to complain. That was my relationship with her.
Every part of me wanted out of that relationship. Almost every part- there was still a glimpse of the way we used to be. But that glimpse was flittering. Overall the way she acted made me question if everyone actually felt the way she did and they just did a better job of hiding it. No one should have to feel that way.
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I wrote that last night. I woke up and I cant help but thinking how absolutely horrible this chick is. She's such a stuck up bitch. I was never able to feel anything with her. I wasnt allowed to be bothered by the things she said or did- ever. Additionally- all those times she was therE for me- she was just keeping score. Feeling the burden of my presence while at the same time assuring herself that she bought a license to sound frustrated and disgusted whenever I spoke of anything other than utter bliss. Then I bring it up to her and she acts like- how dare I ever hope for dIfferent? Like people like me just dont deserve different. Like people like me just dont deserve respect and to be spoken to kindly. Honestly- the phrase dumb child comes to mind to describe her view and treatment of me. Imagine yourself around one of those bad ass kids- one of those kids that seems to go out of his way to fuck with everyone- but really all he wants is attention. But they are still a child. And imagine a high socIety mom as being the parent of that child. So whenever she disciplined that child she tried her best not to show her disgust but some always leaked out. So that kid knew damn well that despite the love she proclaimed to have for him- he was a nuisance to her, he was an annoyance to her, he wasnt good enough to be accepted by her. Now imagine that kid is 30 years old. Im that kid. Chrissy is that high society mom. Im not a bad ass and Im not trying to fuck with people, on the contrary- I try SO hard to help people and to be there for people. But no matter what I do or say- she still views me as that dumb child. As that nuisance. As that annoyance. And since Im just a dumb child- I dont have the right to complain. That was my relationship with her.
Every part of me wanted out of that relationship. Almost every part- there was still a glimpse of the way we used to be. But that glimpse was flittering. Overall the way she acted made me question if everyone actually felt the way she did and they just did a better job of hiding it. No one should have to feel that way.
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