Frenemy number 1 part 1
I go back and forth between being really happy and being really pissed off. This saturday I finally confronted C- my so called best friend. It went horribly- I dont know why I thought it would go any different. She basically confirmed everything I've been thinking for about 2/3 years now. She told me that she thought I was negative and really hard to be around. She had a whole lot of really kind things to say about me.
I was kind of dumbfounded at first. Walking around in a fog. But then i realized how much it took to have someone repeatedly call you who doesnt even like you as a person. It took SO much of my energy to speak to her. She dismissed me and shut me up 9 out of 10 conversations. She mistook my dark sense of humor for negativity and didnt care to deal with the likes of me. Everything about our interactions has said that to me for a very long time. But I kept trying to explain it away and make excuses for her behavior. I never realized how much it took from me. Until now.
Part of me feels free and another part is sad and another part is pissed the fuck off. Right now Im feeling the anger portion of it. Where the fuck do people get off thinking that they can just be dismissive and snobby as shit to people and then call them a friend? How the fuck do people learn how to be that way? I hate it and to be honest I really fucking hate her right now. That horrible bitch has undermined me and acted like something is fucking wrong w me for years! years! years of my fucking life spent doubting myself bc this bitch has known me for 20 years so I think- maybe she knows something I dont- maybe there really is something wrong with me. Bullshit! She's a nasty fucking snobby bitch who is self absorbed and goes through life looking down on other people. Especially me. And yet in the back of my mind I feel sorry for hurting her- FOR HURTING HER!!!! B/c people like her always make you feel that way. Like its all your fault. Bitch please. Then I sat there and listened to her tell me how horrible I was- such a neagtive person and hard to be around. FUCK YOU BITCH! The reason she thinks that is bc she's hard to be around. She brags all the fucking time. Its all she does. She talks about herself constantly and when I interject even a simple thought she shuts me right up with some flippant response that lets me know, in a passive aggressive punk bitch way, that she just doesnt approve of my comment- basically she doesnt approve of me. Do you know how fucking hard it is to call someone like that a friend with a straight face? That aint a fucking friend. Friends make you feel goo about yourselves. Friends like being around you. Friends like you. She is not a friend. She hasnt been for a really long time. She has no appreciation for me and who I am. She pigeonhole's me. She looks at me like a person who is constantly down- that's what she said to me. She said Im really a negative person and Im hard to be around. Im down on myself, down on my job, down on my family. thats what she said. This is a transitional period in my life. There are some hard times. She's just not a friend. I really fucking hate her for all the years I lost trying to keep her in my life. I hate her for all the times I was hesitant to speak to other women bc I was apprEhensive that they would see me the same way she did. Thats how much trust I had in her. Thats how seriously I took her. She's just a horrible fucking person who has abused me for years. Fuck her. I fucking really hate this bitch right now. I wish I didnt feel this hate, but I do.
I was kind of dumbfounded at first. Walking around in a fog. But then i realized how much it took to have someone repeatedly call you who doesnt even like you as a person. It took SO much of my energy to speak to her. She dismissed me and shut me up 9 out of 10 conversations. She mistook my dark sense of humor for negativity and didnt care to deal with the likes of me. Everything about our interactions has said that to me for a very long time. But I kept trying to explain it away and make excuses for her behavior. I never realized how much it took from me. Until now.
Part of me feels free and another part is sad and another part is pissed the fuck off. Right now Im feeling the anger portion of it. Where the fuck do people get off thinking that they can just be dismissive and snobby as shit to people and then call them a friend? How the fuck do people learn how to be that way? I hate it and to be honest I really fucking hate her right now. That horrible bitch has undermined me and acted like something is fucking wrong w me for years! years! years of my fucking life spent doubting myself bc this bitch has known me for 20 years so I think- maybe she knows something I dont- maybe there really is something wrong with me. Bullshit! She's a nasty fucking snobby bitch who is self absorbed and goes through life looking down on other people. Especially me. And yet in the back of my mind I feel sorry for hurting her- FOR HURTING HER!!!! B/c people like her always make you feel that way. Like its all your fault. Bitch please. Then I sat there and listened to her tell me how horrible I was- such a neagtive person and hard to be around. FUCK YOU BITCH! The reason she thinks that is bc she's hard to be around. She brags all the fucking time. Its all she does. She talks about herself constantly and when I interject even a simple thought she shuts me right up with some flippant response that lets me know, in a passive aggressive punk bitch way, that she just doesnt approve of my comment- basically she doesnt approve of me. Do you know how fucking hard it is to call someone like that a friend with a straight face? That aint a fucking friend. Friends make you feel goo about yourselves. Friends like being around you. Friends like you. She is not a friend. She hasnt been for a really long time. She has no appreciation for me and who I am. She pigeonhole's me. She looks at me like a person who is constantly down- that's what she said to me. She said Im really a negative person and Im hard to be around. Im down on myself, down on my job, down on my family. thats what she said. This is a transitional period in my life. There are some hard times. She's just not a friend. I really fucking hate her for all the years I lost trying to keep her in my life. I hate her for all the times I was hesitant to speak to other women bc I was apprEhensive that they would see me the same way she did. Thats how much trust I had in her. Thats how seriously I took her. She's just a horrible fucking person who has abused me for years. Fuck her. I fucking really hate this bitch right now. I wish I didnt feel this hate, but I do.
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