Free time
I just came from the morning routine. Up at 420am, down to church at 5am, set up church, books and communion for service at 7am. Service until 940am and then morning meal at 10am back to my room at around 1040a, did some personal admin things. The next task is looking for work and cleaning my room. Before that I'm working in some free time. I'm thinking I'll go to Dunkin' for a coffee. I'm realizing it's a good thing to keep my responsibilities handled but also to work in some free time. It's not one or the other. My sense of transition really messes with me an so perhaps I'm reinventing the wheel in some people's view. It helps me though to talk myself through it and keep on keeping on. I'm good with it and grateful:)
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I went out for a cup of coffee and then I got a call from my Dad. So grateful. He's the best!
I came back and I researched certifications for a field of work I want to get involved in.
I also looked for and applied to a part time job in nearby Frederick.. I cleaned the bathroom
and now I was going to do some art but the monastery needs me to drive some place . Fudge :(
I’m back from the driving and now I can’t wait till therapy starts next week. My mind is crazy awash in the emotional rules I make and understand my life with but I realize I just need some time not committed to the group and relax. My body really is dragging me down, it’s maybe the alarm for myself telling me I need my own space
keep on keeping on. Everything is peaceful and orderly here but I’m finding I really need some time not devoted to the group. Call me selfish or impossible but I’m starting to see maybe that answers for some of the monastics here and friends and family out there may not be the answers that I need for myself and my life. It’s such a relief to just vent like this. I think I’ll ask for a morning off from duties tomorrow. I appreciate you guys, i can only imagine what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all this. Thanks , . I appreciate you guys.
It's nice that you got out for coffee sweetie
I hope that you got in some R&R
Fingers crossed you get tomorrow morn off!!...xo
things were pretty marvelous tonight. I went to meal prep - then took out the compost buckets and the chicken and cat
buckets...then set the church up for vespers service and then conducted service.
I let my self escape all these suffocating emotional rules and I found my passion for life, a sense of peace in my body,
a sense of the sacred in life and yet separateness from those around me but a sacredness of relationships with folks..
I found myself awake to my separateness - and experienced the melancholy of not being the most talented
or loved - but could reassure myself that I have my tribe in my life, who has my back and I also that I have my world
to come back to when alone and maybe my own adventure that lies ahead in my life....there was a speech made
after the evening meal tonight - and the bishop complimented me so kindly saying I am 'always present for all of us
every day all the time" and that was so touching and filled my soul. I think we all have to live with the transition
of life lived in the group and loving that - but then also the spikiness that can signal to us that we are
separate individual people - and which aspect of life keeps us rooted in what we are doing... This feels
selfish to say - but it's itching away at me. I feel so lucky.
Thanks Jan!!
Gosh it’s really coming clear to me how I associate with different things to identify and understand and feel ok about myself. I’m getting to be ok with myself and who I am alone or with others.
I’m seeing the need for extreme definition I had in order to feel comfortable safe and acceptable is something to consider as well. It is like a bipolar type orientation to assessing a set of circumstances