Free falling

I was thinking, as I was reading my morning, daily strength posts, when I finally got it, and it clicked for me, that I can't gamble, ever again, I was able to realize, it was okay. Okay, my brain is thinking strange right now, but, I will try to explain my thoughts. Many times over, I tried to quit, or take a break from my gambling addiction. Many times over the years, I was devastated over what I had done, emotionally and financially. But, each time I went back, I told myself, I had it under control. Many times, I would win, and each time I won, the addiction was able to convince my brain, that I was normal, I could play cards, like normal people, and I was good at it. That didn't end well, because each time I won, I lost not only money, eventually, but time, and self respect, etc. My biggest hurdle was just "letting go", I was so afraid, I would miss that comfort level, I would miss the game, I would miss the escape, I would forget how to play lol, which is the real topper, I was mourning the loss of my friend, so I thought. I just couldn't grasp that I could never play cards again. Or play cards / gamble like a normal person, like I did when I first started to play cards... so I thought. It was never normal for me. Never, even the first time I played, or placed a bet. Actually, in hindsight, I'm not all together convinced that gambling is "normal" for anyone. So, once I realized, it was okay to let go, to say good bye and to move on, my recovery began. I had to say good bye, to a long, abusive friend. Saying good bye for me, is nearly impossible, I said good bye to 7 fathers, step fathers, and my real dad when I was very young, passed away. Letting go of anyone is a major deal for me. So, letting go of this abusive friend called gambling, well, that nearly brought me to my knees. Here is the good news. I don't need abusive friends in my life, not anymore. I like feeling good about who I am, completely different from when I was in my addiction. I was not deserving of love, kindness, money, faith, etc., when I was in my addiction. So, I said good bye, I let go with love, but I let go. And its okay. Life is good, it is full, it is quite frankly, happy. Letting go may not be easy, but it can be rewarding, and life changing in so many ways. Do the day my sweet warriors. Terri Posted on 09/09/15, 02:32 pm