freakout

I kind of freaked out today. I had a good long cry this morning--I'd been getting worried that wasn't happening, but it finally did. 

Went to look at some apartments--found one I liked and put in an application. Haven't heard back yet. Tonight Buck and I were supposed to do the photo boards, but she said she had to finish the obituary (Leslie had asked her to write it) tonight. I'm meeting her tomorrow morning at A.C. Moore (where Leslie worked) and we're going to pull together some Leslie-themed flower arrangements. Tomorrow we'll do the photo boards.

I just kind of freaked out this afternoon. Nothing was getting done. There were no photos. There were no flowers. No one has sent me a card. No one cares. We'll go to the funeral home Tuesday and it will look like no one cared about Leslie. I called my sister and freaked out to her. Then I did the same to my son. 

I got upset because I hadn't heard back about the apt. They told me my financials were fine, they just needed approval from the building manager. I freaked over that. What if I don't get an apt.? What if I'm still here for Christmas. I don't want to be here anywhere near Christmas this year. Last year Cliff played Santa and Leslie played elf for him sometimes and we had so much fun. And this year they're both gone. I'm so afraid of Christmas this year. 

Then there was a big fire in one of the buildings in my apt complex. A building of 3 bdrm apts. All I could think was there are kids in that building. Oh god, what if someone's kids got killed in that? I've been scouring the internet trying to find out. God, there are kids in that building. 

I finally calmed down. I texted Buck and she told me to meet her at A.C. Moore tomorrow morning before she goes to work and we'll pull together some flowers. Leslie worked there. We thought that would be appropriate. She asked for orange flowers and day of the dead skulls. That's my Leslie. She was kind of a nut. Tomorrow night we'll work on the photo boards.

I picked up the pics of Les with her nieces. She got really sick about a month after Lucy was born. I have a few pics of her with Lucy from the hospital and from when we went to see her 2 weeks later. That is all of Leslie's contact with her younger niece. Looking at those pics you could see she didn't look well. In the pics with Lena she's smiling at her niece. With Lucy she didn't look right. She loved her nieces. They'll never know her or remember her. She was their tomboy aunt who bought them trucks and superhero pjs. She was their only aunt. She's my son's only sibling, my daughter in law is an only child. I never had aunts or uncles either. Now Lena and Lucy won't. Leslie was looking forward to going to the zoo, and teaching her nieces how to draw and do arts and crafts with them. That's never going to happen. She was their only aunt. That's so unfair.

My daughter in law also sent me a pic that Leslie had taken of Lena. It is a gorgeous picture. Leslie loved photography. That was one of the multitude of things she wanted to do with her life. She painted, she drew, she made jewelry, she shot photos. She had a style all her own--there was no one else quite like her. There never will be. 

Everyone who knew her well said she was unique. She was. There will never be another like her