Fourth....
Journal today! I was sitting at tea obviously looking sad as mum said what are you thinking I said I was just missing my children. Have I spoken to them she asked, no as I'm letting them be ready and when they are I will happily speak to them. Oh she said and then talked about her medication. What was I hoping for? You must miss them or if you want to talk about them at any time. Nothing like that. I took the dishes into the kitchen and wept.
Replies
Actually, your mum is doing what works. She is listening to you. She responded in a way that allows you to choose.
You are wanting your mum to give you something that can only come from within yourself.
One of the things about being a parent is giving the child the opportunity to choose for themselves.
You're letting the children be ready and when they are ready, then you will happily speak with them.
That answers the question.
Your mum knows the 'missing', as she misses her husband. There is no talking to him.
Your feelings are valid, and your writing reflects the change in how you are processing the changes.
Thank you
In reflection though she doesn't want to talk about them, nor dad, she's lost her husband and I've lost my dad and my way of coping is to talk about him and hers isnt. She said as much the other day - no good talking about him, it won't bring him back. She's right but that's not the only reason to talk about him. Anyhow I have a couple of places I go to talk to him and give him grief at dying like that. If he was still alive I wouldn't have to stay here and could think things differently, as it is mum needs care and doesn't want it or accept she does, but I've seen the report the authorities did on her.
And that's how a lot of people deal with their grief, they do not want to talk about it. So, in the way you are making time to express your grief and acknowledge that his death meant significant changes for you to take care of your mum (as she does NOT want to lose her independence or her home with the memories that she sees and shares within herself), you are working towards a better balance.