Four Years And Still No Trust??
My fiancee and I had the mother of all fights last night. I was just fed up, overwhelmed, and still hurting from the funeral.
A week or two ago, I got this text from a number I didn't know. So I asked who it was, and they apologized and said that they had typed in the wrong number. No problem. But then he started talking to me and I found out he was a friend of my cousins who lived in another province. I told Joey about him. The kid was a few years younger then I am. He started sending me texts I didn't like and I asked him to stop. He didn't so whenever he text me I would blow him off with a reply like 'I'm going to bed with joey' or 'I'm spending time with my fiancee and daughter.'
The other day he text me and joey got the phone first. He then, while I was cooking supper, proceeded to snoop through all the messages. So he read what the guy had text, and my attempts to tell him to leave me be, and my blow offs. But all he concentrated on was the texts from this stranger. He freaked.
I never hid from him that this guy text me. And I never did anything wrong. I never sent dirty messages back. I told him to leave me alone! I included joey and my daughter in every text I sent back. I even sent a text stating that I had a family I loved and that life would be grand if he would bugger off.
Joey never accussed me of cheating, but he hinted at it. I was furious. He saw everything!
I was mad he would think such a thing, I was mad he snooped through my phone, I was mad that he was mad at me!
So we had a fight. He claimed that he did trust me, but what would I think if I saw messages like that from a girl on his phone? I told him A. I wouldnt snoop through his phone B. I'd ask him about it and trust his answer and C. He once attempted to go meet a girl through texts when we had had a fight! So who was he to even accuse me of these things?
From there it branched out to how his ex cheated on him and I was showing the same signs as she was, I was distant and only wanted occasional sex.
So I gave him the what for right then and there.
Since we moved I have done ALL the housework, ALL the cooking, almost all the child care, I have been working my ass off so he can relax in a tidy home with a home cooked meal when he comes home. And what has he done? He has called me lazy, a bad mother, told me I have absolutley no reason to be tired because he's the one who does the real work in the relationship. He says mean things about me, in front of me, to others to make them laugh and when I tell him they upset me he brushes it off and tells me to chill out, its just a joke.
I told him that he may whine about being a 'weekend' parent...but I have every right to get his help on weekends....because I do everything else with our daughter the other five days. I was bawling but man did it feel good at the same time.
I told him that I wasn't being distant, that he was pushing me away as hard as he could. And if he really wanted to be alone then I could go. Marlow and I could make it just fine without him. That I was with him because I wanted to be, not because I had to be.
In the end, he held me and told me he loved me and that he did trust me. And at the time, it seemed like enough. But this morning, thinking back.....
I realized he didn't say sorry, not once. In our four years he has said sorry to me twice. He always thinks hes right, and now I wonder if he was just saying that he trusted me and loved me to shut me up? If this is still unresolved. If nothing is going to change....
How much longer can I be with a man, who, I now know, does not trust me at all. And I have never given him a reason not to trust me either.
A week or two ago, I got this text from a number I didn't know. So I asked who it was, and they apologized and said that they had typed in the wrong number. No problem. But then he started talking to me and I found out he was a friend of my cousins who lived in another province. I told Joey about him. The kid was a few years younger then I am. He started sending me texts I didn't like and I asked him to stop. He didn't so whenever he text me I would blow him off with a reply like 'I'm going to bed with joey' or 'I'm spending time with my fiancee and daughter.'
The other day he text me and joey got the phone first. He then, while I was cooking supper, proceeded to snoop through all the messages. So he read what the guy had text, and my attempts to tell him to leave me be, and my blow offs. But all he concentrated on was the texts from this stranger. He freaked.
I never hid from him that this guy text me. And I never did anything wrong. I never sent dirty messages back. I told him to leave me alone! I included joey and my daughter in every text I sent back. I even sent a text stating that I had a family I loved and that life would be grand if he would bugger off.
Joey never accussed me of cheating, but he hinted at it. I was furious. He saw everything!
I was mad he would think such a thing, I was mad he snooped through my phone, I was mad that he was mad at me!
So we had a fight. He claimed that he did trust me, but what would I think if I saw messages like that from a girl on his phone? I told him A. I wouldnt snoop through his phone B. I'd ask him about it and trust his answer and C. He once attempted to go meet a girl through texts when we had had a fight! So who was he to even accuse me of these things?
From there it branched out to how his ex cheated on him and I was showing the same signs as she was, I was distant and only wanted occasional sex.
So I gave him the what for right then and there.
Since we moved I have done ALL the housework, ALL the cooking, almost all the child care, I have been working my ass off so he can relax in a tidy home with a home cooked meal when he comes home. And what has he done? He has called me lazy, a bad mother, told me I have absolutley no reason to be tired because he's the one who does the real work in the relationship. He says mean things about me, in front of me, to others to make them laugh and when I tell him they upset me he brushes it off and tells me to chill out, its just a joke.
I told him that he may whine about being a 'weekend' parent...but I have every right to get his help on weekends....because I do everything else with our daughter the other five days. I was bawling but man did it feel good at the same time.
I told him that I wasn't being distant, that he was pushing me away as hard as he could. And if he really wanted to be alone then I could go. Marlow and I could make it just fine without him. That I was with him because I wanted to be, not because I had to be.
In the end, he held me and told me he loved me and that he did trust me. And at the time, it seemed like enough. But this morning, thinking back.....
I realized he didn't say sorry, not once. In our four years he has said sorry to me twice. He always thinks hes right, and now I wonder if he was just saying that he trusted me and loved me to shut me up? If this is still unresolved. If nothing is going to change....
How much longer can I be with a man, who, I now know, does not trust me at all. And I have never given him a reason not to trust me either.
Replies
Wow, men SUCK sometimes. And they say the most moronic things, not even realizing how much trouble it is going to cause. Then they try to fix it. My husband does it all the time. Ohhhhh, and the lazy comment... that\'s my favorite. \'Cause if you\'re not out of the house working, you must not be doing anything... they don\'t get it. But if they have to spend one day at home doing housework/caring for kids (I don\'t have kids, but i have seen other men do this) then they want all of the credit in the world, you have to totally pat them on the back because they worked sooooo hard. Yet they don\'t make the connection between that and how hard YOU work.
And he thinks you\'re being distant? Well, christ, look at all that you\'ve been going through lately!! Just one thing after another after another... and in between dealing with all of that, you still have to be a mom. So I\'d imagine that you probably don\'t feel like dressing up in sexy lingerie for him every night! There are ups and downs in life, that\'s just how it is, and those things impact your sex life as well. It has nothing to do with cheating or being interested in someone else...
I guess I can see why he might be sensitive about that topic though if he had an ex that cheated on him. It probably makes him feel a little bit insecure... but that\'s no excuse for projecting those issues onto you when YOU have always been faithful. Maybe, if you\'re unsure about this trust issue, you should consider some couples counseling... it couldn\'t hurt. It seems like you guys are in a very serious, committed relationship, so I don\'t doubt that he loves you... whether or not that was the reason for being nice after the fight, I don\'t know. I think guys do try to pacify us sometimes so they don\'t have to deal with us being angry. That doesn\'t mean that he doesn\'t truly love you. Everyone brings their own baggage to a relationship... it sounds like he just needs to work through some of his a bit more so you can both feel like your relationship is built on a solid foundation of trust.
In general though, men are jerks. Just always keep that in mind and you won\'t be as surprised/disappointed by their behavior. ;) j/k well, sort of kidding... lol... I mean, case in point- this whole thing was caused by some OTHER idiotic MAN who thinks it\'s ok to send lewd messages to someone who isn\'t interested. Men suck. We love them anyway though...