FOUNDING MEMBERS PLEASE READ-911
I need advice, BIG time advice from Founding members and others who have been in the group for many, many years. I KNOW there are no magic words, or wands, but please allow me to pick your brains, I need your experience badly. PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE, read this journal and give me all you've got, PLEASE!!!
I do not have my own support group, yet I am very active in 2 and in my obsessive control-freak kind of way I am trying, so hard, so damn hard, to keep up...in my main support group we now have over 1200 members and more pouring in every day. EVERY DAY!!! It's Only for Mothers who have lost their children to suicide. I tried making at least a modicum of contact with them all when we had 600 which was impossible...became overwhelmed and ran. I am an empath. How on earth can I handle all this pain??? But I feel called to help...I'm so sorry to sound conceited, but I believe there is no one who can give as much love and understanding as I can. There, I said it. I am not stating it as fact, I am saying it's the way I feel, and I have to act on those feelings...I went back.
Tonight I logged off at 10pm instead of 1am. This is what I faced, part of what I faced. A mother who lost her only son 1 year and 20 days ago, her son's dog died. 3 different mothers have lost 2 children. 1 lost 1 to drugs and 1 to suicide, the other 2 lost both to suicide. I'd found and reposted a short video of a 12 year old girl made a month before she hung herself, and I wrote to her mother and left my number if she needed to talk. Well tonight I was informed the girl's mother was on drugs, abusive to her daughter, they lived in poverty beyond you can imagine...and allowed her husband to sexually abuse her...there are videos to back all this up though I couldn't watch them all. She never had a chance. 12 years old. Then the 10 year old...a 10 year old boy hung himself, lingered on life support a few days, then was let go. I couldn't think of a thing to say. A 15 year old boy, who looked 12, completed suicide Thanksgiving. A mother had to go pack up her daughter's dorm room, a college suicide. She referred to Jack Skellington tee shirts, well, I know that...he is the character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, which Cassi also loved. There is a mother, raising her 3 grandchildren because their father is too messed up in drugs to do anything, she'd already lost her other son to suicide. A 13 year old girl, beautiful girl, from Australia, committed suicide just weeks ago because she was being bullied...in Australia!!! I thought they were happy, nice people over there! A very young mother, 33, lost her 12 year old son to suicide because he was being abused by his stepmother....there are a few of us who are further along in the journey, but so very many new moms and so many very young children. It's just so much...I am a good listener and I have some first hand knowledge of what they are going through...I will do anything I can to help, anything...But, what???
I feel like you all helped pull me through those first months, and help me now when I need it. I absolutely am beholden to your kindness and I MUST pay it forward. I have assembled my grief tool box, I have come a long way, I have learned a lot...but I need more, so much more. At this time I am very emotional and don't dare going back to my old journals to see how you all responded to me. I see myself in these mothers.
So Ladies...with all my heart I am begging, please search your brains...How did you deal with new Moms? How do you comfort the Mom of a 10 year old? What are your stories? Your lessons? Anything? I know some things, but it seems like I am repeating myself on rotation and I want to do and be more than that.
Whatever comes to you, please tell me. You never know what tiny detail could touch the heart of a mother. I am reading again, books on Bereavement. I had pretty much set those books aside and have been reading for pure entertainment and pleasure, but I need education. I know there is a wealth of information among all of you. I need it.
Again, please share whatever pops into your heads. I believe your instinct will guide you to give me the best you have got.
As of now, my energy is very low. It's time for bed anyway.
Please dig deep and give me what you've got, give me ALL you've got. There are mothers who might not make it, but with your help, filtered through me, you can help save some that are standing on the precipice.
Thank You,
Gina
Replies
Gina, you are brave to try to help, but truly there are no words that can change the horror. My girls died of cystic fibrosis, they fought so hard against it but in the end their bodies couldnt work so I have no reference to the pain of suicide. Yet lossing our children is not normal and we must continue to honor them by pushing forward each and every day. We, us moms, are their keepers. These stories are so so very upsetting. How can a person wrap their head around the truth of these lives. It is cruel. That being said, we must talk about abuse and bullying and self esteem on a broad base for any change. I think a local smaller group would be more helpful as so many are over the top. Just my thoughts and hope you get some rest.
As for how to get to the point of living each day, it happens by putting one foot in front of the other when you can. Everyone is different for me, work saved me. I was able to be there and block my mind from the pain for those 8 hours. I truly am so very grateful for that. Now 11 and 7 years after lossing the girls, I think I am doing okay. By that I mean I function but the pain is always with me.
Wishing these moms some peace, take care. Hugs, Kathy
These women are seeking a place where they will not feel alone. They are looking for others who are living, breathing examples that by taking baby steps, one breath and moment at a time that they will make it. They are needing to tell their narratives again, again and again and only having others to hold their narrative with them until they are ready to pick it back up again.
You are one woman, you have one set of shoulders, one heart that is wounded and healing and in those wounds are the gifts that you can share along the way. Most often it is just a few words like: "I'm with you" that is the most healing and what I think would be most valuable would be for you to go back and try to remember what has helped and is helping you on this path. Trusting in your heart, in your spirit that you are being guided and will be guided to understand how to BE is what I lean into. I ask Spirit to "use me" in whatever way is needed for the day and most often what I hear might be to take care of Joanie.
Your well is vast, yet it must not run dry because in order to give we must first fill ourselves. You are about companioning, Gina, that is what it IS all about and I have no doubt that these women will feel your love, your heart and hand in theirs. Just BE you and give what you can and know too when it's time to step aside for a moment to replenish.
The women here on FMO who have been my most amazing supporters are simply the ones who showed up, read my ramblings, commented with a "Me too" when they felt drawn to, asked me how my heart was feeling, told me they saw a feather on a walk and it made them think of Douglas, ask about Douglas and want to get to know him through me, gave me hope by sharing where they were on their path. They reassured me that there is no "right or wrong" way, no "time tables" and that however I was feeling for the moment was what I needed to BE feeling. These are the kinds of connections that have helped me the most and continue to.
Please do not lose yourself in the midst of reaching out, create healthy boundaries for yourself and remember that each of these women must find their own way and having anchor places to tie up to for awhile when needed is where you come in. You can become a safe anchor, a place where these women can not feel judged, will feel listened to and held, will feel a calm and reassuring presence and where they know they can fill up for a bit before they are back and on their solo path.
Loving care dearest Gina, and be ever so gentle with your own heart it the midst.
XO Joanie
Gina,
The most important thing you must do is take care of you. Like someone said, the man n thing is to let folks know they are not alone. My Tony did not die from suicide but my son in law did. My heart hurt but not the same. No words can make it hurt less but having someone there helps more than most realize.
I have been continuing to ponder your request and what also came into my heart is that when I'm having one of those really painful days I often do NOY want anyone to try to "get me out of it." I must feel the breadth and depth of my pain and sorrow and live into each layer as I'm able to. I just need others to acknowledge "my" pain and not divert into "theirs" and simply let me know that they are holding me in their heart and hope that in time I will feel lifted. Even just a gentle reminder that what I AM feeling is okay, what it needs to BE for this moment and that in time it may change and perhaps not feel as intense as it does today.
My mother's first words to me after the loss of Douglas as she too had lost her son, my brother, were: "Joanie, I know this feels like a sharp knife stabbing into your heart each time you think of Douglas and all I can say is that in time, your time, this pain will change into something that you will learn how to live with. It will not always feel the way that it does now. You will think of your son each and every day and over time some precious and sweet memories will replace the knife that is stabbing away at you." Those words are etched into my heart and I still lean into them and will forever thank my sweet little mom for sharing only what "her" heart knew from her loss. These are not words from a grief book that she read, yet what her heart knew as HER truth and she was simply passing it along trusting that I would take in what served me and leave the rest. That is and forever will be my premise with everything and anything I share here on FMO and out in the world. Just take what you like and dump the rest as we become the scatterer of seeds. We never will know where those seeds might land, sprout, grow or might be take flight in the wind to land where needed perhaps right back into our own hearts.
More will trickle in I'm sure and I have no doubt our sisters of the heart will weigh in and share their wisdom. I'm with you and I care~ Cassi's mom from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
Gina,
Please do not think that one person can save all...it is not possible without drowning yourself.
We all wrote/shared our pain with each other, creating a net if you will that helped support us all...still does.
Even still our reserves are limited...we have to recharge. there are many times I have to step back and nurture myself.
The fact is, we all have the ability to survive this (I know it does not seem so, but we do have the tools to use--when we are
ready to use them--books, faith, friends, family, therapists...words spoken/written on someone else's journal that I may be reading...there are so many ways to receive support--like Joanie speaks of. ...just knowing that someone understands how I felt was the most important and healing thing that I could receive. Sounds like you are doing that already...but as others have noted here...be patient with yourself and most importantly....be gentle.
AnnM
Hi Gina, you are a kind and loving woman who wants to and IS helping. The only thing I can add to what others have said is that what helped me the most from the FMO moms when Eddie first died was hope. Their reassurances that I was not alone and that the pain does lighten over time gave me strength. And the fact that these brave, kind moms were willing to revisit their own pain to comfort me just left me in awe! They gave me what I didn't have at first; hope.
Loving you and dearest Cassi, Linda
I really have nothing more to add... Ann and Joanie and Linda and Kathy have said it all... just remember. you are only 1 person and you cannot do it all yourself. Yes, Barbara and Ann and Joanie and Teri were there with their words of wisdom at the start when I needed it so bad, but so were so many other moms, Lynette, Karen, and so many others... FMO is all of them all of us. that's what makes it work. And, we all find we have to step back and recharge at times. I definitely know I do.
Hugs, MaryLou
Sweet friend, all I can do really is echo what the others have said; give what you can give as you also find ways to meet YOUR needs and continue your forward motion journey of healing.
We wrote what was in our hearts, and we read what others wrote with compassion and understanding. We weren't trying to "fix" anything, anyone....we were simply sharing our pain and HEARING others pain. And we all did what we could, when we could, for as long as we could.
I tried for a long time to read and respond to every single journal....every hug...keep up with every birthday and angel date. I had a spreadsheet with moms names, children's names, birthdates, angel dates, cause of death, and even little side notes about favorite colors or car or movie, etc. And it was exhausting. And unnecessary. I gave. I gave a lot I think. I "showed up". I helped. But I wasn't alone, and I didn't do it all. I did "my" part, my best. I felt, at one time, I HAD to be there for everyone, at all times. Truth is, that was ego talking. Like "I" was some special something sent to save all the moms of FMO. Bullshit. I had to throw the bullshit flag on myself! I was putting enormous pressure on myself and wasn't growing personally in the ways "I" needed to grow. I was getting caught up in the saving of others, while I myself was drowning.
So, as far as dealing with new moms, I stopped believing it was up to ME welcome them, to get to know them and their child, and to be there 100% of the time to meet any need they had that I could possibly meet. I found the courage to be honest with myself and say, "Teri, you're doing too much....just reach out when you can and don't feel guilty about the times you can't or simply choose not to". And I had to let go of ego and realize I am just one small piece of this FMO pie, I am not the whole pie....or enchilada, LOL!
We've had an FMO mom complete suicide, many years ago. It was heart wrenching to learn, as so many of us had reached out to offer all we could, all we had. What we all must realize, and did, is that her suicide, whether completed or not, was not controlled by us. Had we been able to control it, we surely would have!!!
It is an unfair burden to place upon ourselves that we must save all, rescue all, help all, or be all to anyone. Humans are not meant to be "all" by ourselves. We are community oriented. We are meant to share the burdens and the solutions, and work together as teammates. And we each must hold, and be held, at various times throughout our journeys.
It can be both a gift and a curse to care so much. You have deep feelings, deep beliefs, and a deep love for people. You're a giver and a helper. Sometimes, perhaps, to a fault. The fault being, forgetting, or not prioritizing, self help. You can only stretch yourself so thin before breaking. Please don't let your desire to help so overwhelm you that you yourself break.
My best advice is to step back, take a breath, and when you are rested, focused, and ready and able to give support, do so setting limits for yourself. Maybe only read and respond to 5 people a day; or only allow yourself X number of hours a day to be devoted to your support groups.
Bottom line, you aren't going to save everyone. And, you aren't the only one with an answer or a kind word of encouragement for others. The weight of the world is not yours to carry. And forgive me for being so bold, but your statement of "I believe there is no one who can give as much love and understanding as I can" is ego talking and is insulting to others who are also helping and loving and understanding and giving to those in need. YES, you have a LOT to offer, and you do....and there are millions of others out there doing it with just as much love and understanding.
Every word here was written in love~
I hope you feel and envelope yourself in that love!
Gina ~ so much sadness ~ so much burden. I know you wish to help but you have so many fresh wounds. You have to continue to heal. I truly believe in and agree with the advice given here. There is a group within daily strength for suicide families. I have decided not to allow the angry judgmental part of me take the better of me in this message. I think the best you can do is have the list of this resource and local resources for support groups. As said above people need to repeat their story over and over. THIS was the best place for ME. It may not be the best place for others. I love and will always tell people about daily strength. You need to help you is the key...breathe - take some YOGA, truly! It will help your heart and soul. You will meet some wonderful people and clear your mind. You can not be on this site all of the time. Love to you my dear soul {{{{HUGS}}}}}